A Message From Bobama

Bo's Official White House Picture

Portuguese Water Dog, and presidential First Dog, Bobama, recently submitted an article to The New York Times reflecting on his first 100 days in office.

A clever idea, but not a clever execution. Despite a break to chase a ball, Bo assumes a relatively serious tone. Firstly, Bo is a puppy; I highly doubt his syntax would be that advanced and that he would talk about, let alone recognize, his inferiority in comparison to other White House hounds. Secondly, Bo is a ridiculous animal - fluffy, scruffy, hair over eyes, jumpy, playful, silly. Maybe a more austere dog, perhaps a Schnauzer or an Airedale, would make this speech, but certainly not a dog that trips the President and bites interviewer's microphones.

Bo is a fun dude; I see him closer to keg-standing frat boy than suit-wearing Wharton grad. It's sort of a Prince Harry vs. Prince William thing. Or a Bush twin vs. Chelsea thing. Or a creative writer vs. a journalist thing - which is why they should have had someone a tad more imaginative and less newsy write this piece... like, maybe, me for example. If you know someone at the Times, let them know I am available... very available.

Seriously? Dog Poop DNA?

Image from Webshots

If you ever take a walk in Los Angeles - something most Angelinos don't do - it's impossible not to notice several "pick up after your dog" signs. In addition to the standard city-issued signs, residents often put handwritten warnings on trees as well. Despite this, excrement inevitably ends up on sidewalks and lawns across the city. And apparently across the world.

This past fall, Petah Tikvah, a suburb of Tel Aviv, took things into their own hands by starting a program that uses DNA technology to match dog poop to dog owner. Those who do not clean up will be fined; those who do and deposit the doodie in specially marked bins will be rewarded with dog food coupons and toys.

OK, not a bad idea, but how in the heck are they going to get the DNA in the first place? As it turns out, they don't really have a plan - they expect people to voluntarily bring their dog to the vet for a DNA swab which the owner can then send to a city lab. That's like asking known criminals to go to the police station and leave some hair, fingerprints and semen. It all seems a bit whimsical. And passing a law that you must give the city your dog's DNA feels too Gattaca and like something that would only happen in China.

Nevertheless, it appears that a small Bavarian town, has indeed decided to make the doggie DNA sample mandatory. The best part: they are going to employ someone to "collect errant canine ordure and match it with the databank – or put out an alert for a stray that must be stopped." Maybe if the Canine Concierge gig doesn't pan out I'll just head to Germany. Geben Sie mir Bratwurst!

Can't We All Just Get Along

I spend far too much time on Cute Overload, where I came across a squirrel that hangs out with a litter of puppies. I'm moderately obsessed with inter-species love.





Why can't Jews and Arabs just cuddle up together? Their roughly century long hatred is nothing compared to the 15,000 year battle between dogs and squirrels.

Bo Knows Bullshit

If you search the term "Bo" on Google right now you get 431,000,000 results. The first to come up does not go to Bo Concept or Bo Diddley*, but to the Obama's new dog.

Indeed the first dog is major news at the moment. A gift from Edward Kennedy, Bo is a 6-month-old Portuguese Water Dog with tuxedo cat colors that make him well-suited for all White House affairs.

Though Bo is without a doubt very cute, the Obamas originally said they were going to adopt a rescue dog. This got PETA, the ASPCA and shelters throughout the nation very excited as it would be a chance for Obama to set a good example. With over 11,000 dogs and cats euthanized each day (4 million a year) in the U.S., we could use a good example and no one has more influence than the president.

But now, instead of people rushing to shelters, they are rushing to pet stores and breeders to get a Portie for themselves--since Bo-bama was revealed, the breed has been in high demand across the globe. I understand that choosing a dog is a very personal matter involving several factors, including the well-being of children. Though some shelter dogs do have behavioral problems, the first fam could have easily found a mutt in need that met all their requirements by working with a rescue organization.

To top it all off, they got a puppy. Shelters are filled with adult dogs; the puppies go quickly. I know they wanted a young dog, but they could have gotten a 1 or 2 year old, at least setting a good example in that respect.

Everything said, while the papers were filled with Bo-bama news, pirate attacks soared, soldiers were killed and millions of homes faced foreclosure. In the grand scheme of things, I hope Barack did not spend more than 10 minutes thinking about the first dog.

*Some say the dog was named after Michelle's father's favorite singer. Others say the girls' cousin has a cat named Bo, so in very kid-style they named it the same thing. Option 2 sounds more realistic; 1 sounds like something the press secretary made up.

Ferret Fever

People in California are mad. And it's not because of Prop 8 or the LA school system or immigration. It's because of ferrets.

Though legal in 48 states states, it is punishable by law to own the pet in California (and Hawaii) due to potentially harmful ecological effects. However, members of Ferrets Anonymous estimate there are hundreds of thousands of ferrets hidden in homes across the state. Many owners have grown paranoid; they avoid talking to neighbors, keep all the blinds closed and even refuse to leave the house in fear that The Department of Fish and Game will find and seize their fuzzy friends.

Ferret-lovers hoped that when Arnold entered office in 2003 he would repeal the law--not because Arnold is a weasel-lover, but because he held a ferret in Kindergarten Cop. It was a hasty generalization indeed; Arnold rejected their cries for full ferret freedom.

The new leader of the ferret movement calls himself Leatherface after a role he played in the "Jackass" spinoff, "Viva La Bam" (which was even jackass-ier). He runs "Off the Hook TV", an internet show, on which he recently ran a very poorly/oddly-produced Pro-Ferret and Anti-Arnold episode.

I'm not sure why anyone would want a hyperactive elongated rat/racoon-like animal in the first place, but I have no problem someone having one. The ecological reasoning behind the ban seems a bit too apocolyptic to me. I am sure they would alter both native plant and animal life a bit but I don't think they would turn into a malevolent super species and take over the planet--or, if they do, it will be due to genetic engineering, not people losing pets.

That said, I just read something that changed my mind and made me think they should definitely be illegal, but for purely non-ecological reasons. Ferrets, in Latin "little thieves," are by nature curious and furtive; they can get into just about anything--cabinets (even child-proofed), walls, plumbing, etc.--and steal just about everything, ranging from socks to your wedding ring. Ferret owners spends hours each week ferret-proofing their house. But even with an experienced proofer, an accident resulting in ferret death is likely. Drowning, electrocution, getting chopped in half by a fan, being crushed in recliner springs, being stepped on--there are endless horrifying possibilities. Though ferrets are usually caged when owners are not home, they are so stealthy that even when you are watching them they often escape your view--especially when you have many of them, as it seems most ferret freaks do.

So, I think ferrets should be illegal due to the innumerable chances for human psychological damage upon seeing a little buddy squished, severed or foaming at the mouth while seizuring because it ate the dishwasher detergent. In fact, instead of doing another ecological study, as ferret owners have requested, we should do a study of the correlation between past or current ferret ownership and homocidal tendencies. I wonder if Jiverly Wong had ferrets?