Un-Sunny Side Up

The various people personalities at the park are just as entertaining as the dog personalities. And just as the different pooches clash, so do their owners. Most often, people fight about their dogs – how to train them correctly, when to get them neutered, which vet to take them to, etc. But just sometimes, some awesome times, park patrons fight about something other than dogs. Since owning a dog is the only real thing connecting these people to one another there is actually a lot to disagree about. I’ve heard plenty of conservatives and liberals fight over economic policy; I’ve seen two people yell about which movie won the Oscar in 1979 (he said Witness, she said The Color Purple, iPhone said Out of Africa); I’ve told three people arguing about the merit of Indie Rock to simmer down. But, the most remarkable argument I have ever witnessed at the park, and potentially in life, was between a couple. It was over which one had screwed up the other one’s life more.

They had enough self-respect to move to a corner of the park behind a big tree to have the fight, out of the earshot of most patrons. However, they could not see that I was seated on the other side of the tree. Perhaps the polite thing for me to do would have been to move, as it was clear they were looking for privacy. However, the story-teller in me said to stay. Since I bring a tiny notepad everywhere, I was able to record most of the fight, almost word for word. I’ve cleaned things up a bit (believe it or not) but it went as follows:

Woman: I really don’t understand what the big deal with the eggs was this morning.
Man: I told you I didn’t care what type of eggs you made me but you continued to ask.
Woman: Well, it seemed strange to me that you didn’t have a preference.
Man: My preference is not to be woken up to be asked what type of eggs I want.
Woman: I was being nice. I was making you eggs!
Man: I didn’t want any fucking eggs! I wanted to sleep!
Woman: Oh, well I guess I am just a total jerk for making you breakfast in bed. What a piece of shit girlfriend I am.
Man: I didn’t say you were a piece of shit…I just didn’t give a damn about the eggs.
Woman: Fine. No more eggs. But you could have said thank you.
Man: Thank you? Thank you for what? Ruining my life?
Woman: Ruining your life? I used to wake up looking forward to the day. Now, I wake up thinking about how each day will be worse than the last because you are in it.
Men: Funny, every day I wake up next to you, I try not to move and wake you because I want to get out of the apartment without hearing your bitchy voice.
Woman: I may be a bitch but it’s because I am dating a stupid bastard.
Man: If I’m the dumbass here, why do you keep coming back to me?
Woman: Because you’re a sure thing.
Man: In what way?
Woman: You’re too stupid to realize I’m screwing you to make Mark jealous.

Long, long silence.

Man: Mark! Mark! You want to go for Mark? He wouldn’t stoop so low.

Smack! (only way I know it was she who slapped him is that I could sort of see a reflection off my watch). Sobbing.

Man: I’m sorry babe, I didn’t mean it.
Woman: Why do we suck so much?
Man: We don’t. Let’s go get Bojangles and go home, pop a movie in and drink some wine.

Pause

Woman (still sobbing): Ok

What!!!? That is some crazy shit. I’ve never had, or seen, an argument even remotely that intense (barring TV and film). And to just make up after it? How can you say such horrible things to each other and then move on from there? I’m pretty sure if Dave told me that every day he wakes up next to me is the worst day of his life, a bottle of wine and a movie wouldn’t quite take my mind off of that. This got me thinking about what the biggest fight Dave and I ever got into was; and what I realized was that we really don’t fight. We’ve been together almost five years and the biggest fight we’ve had was over my gum-chewing habits and involved absolutely no yelling. Not that I need to scream about eggs at the dog park, but fighting is a sign of passion and keeps things interesting, right? Am I missing out on great makeup sex?

After researching many accredited websites like Yahoo Answers, I came to the following conclusion: yes, I am indeed missing out on great makeup sex but no, as long as we’re expressing our feelings honestly, we do not NEED to scream like banshees. As for the passion, well, there’s always alcohol!

Just kidding, we don’t need alcohol to spark a flame, but we do need Scout off the bed as she is a bigger cock block than herpes.