A Message From Bobama

Bo's Official White House Picture

Portuguese Water Dog, and presidential First Dog, Bobama, recently submitted an article to The New York Times reflecting on his first 100 days in office.

A clever idea, but not a clever execution. Despite a break to chase a ball, Bo assumes a relatively serious tone. Firstly, Bo is a puppy; I highly doubt his syntax would be that advanced and that he would talk about, let alone recognize, his inferiority in comparison to other White House hounds. Secondly, Bo is a ridiculous animal - fluffy, scruffy, hair over eyes, jumpy, playful, silly. Maybe a more austere dog, perhaps a Schnauzer or an Airedale, would make this speech, but certainly not a dog that trips the President and bites interviewer's microphones.

Bo is a fun dude; I see him closer to keg-standing frat boy than suit-wearing Wharton grad. It's sort of a Prince Harry vs. Prince William thing. Or a Bush twin vs. Chelsea thing. Or a creative writer vs. a journalist thing - which is why they should have had someone a tad more imaginative and less newsy write this piece... like, maybe, me for example. If you know someone at the Times, let them know I am available... very available.

Birth Control for Bingo?

From Osocio

I recently saw an article regarding oral contraception for animals. Yes, Texas A&M wants to put some poochies on the pill. Well, not exactly but the implications of their research will likely lead to birth control pills for domestic animals.

The researchers' initial intentions were to make a pill that would control pesty populations of wild pigs and coyotes that often disturb or cause financial ruin for land owners. But, here's the twist, in order for the pill to work, the animals would have to take it at specific times each day and point in the menstrual cycle - like humans. How in the hell is this going to work with wild animals? Sure, you can grind the pill into the feed, but what's to say the wild pig or coyote will eat the feed in the first place? And what are the chances they will eat it in the correct time range? I'm guessing these questions have come up and they have some answers? If not, this seems like an excuse to get funding so they can eventually market the pill to domestic pet owners.

But it seems to me that using the pill on domestic animals has little positives anyway. I mean, you save money initially by not having to get the animal spayed, but long-term I'd guess you lose out. Plus, as mentioned in the article, Dogs have particularly complicated cycles, making timing even more important. Most women I know can't remember to take their own pill every day at a given time; I doubt they'd be dillegent with their shiba inu.

If this is an attempt to appeal to pet owners who, for cultural or religious reasons, do not support pet sterilization, I doubt those same owners would condone birth control, probably another way in their eyes of "playing God."

Most importantly, if you give your doggie the pill as oppossed to spaying, the dog will still get her period. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to clean up blotches of menstruated blood all over my apartment. Think about bringing a guy or gal home to that. Unless it is from a sweet lip nibble, blood in the apartment is generally frowned upon.

On a semi-related side note: I saw a kid throwing a tantrum at Kinkos this morning and it made me want to get spayed.

Please Forgive Me

Image from Great Funny Pictures

Several (meaning one) of you loyal readers have emailed me asking why my posting has recently halted. I apologize for any psychological damage this caused and hope the wounds of despair heal well (I suggest a plastic surgeon for wounds requiring stitches - I used a regular doctor for a mole on my back and I have a large scar, much like the scar on Scar from The Lion King). My thesis on "Machiavellian Dwarfs with Sciatica on Every Third Tuesday in April" is due to my advisor this week and the department next week. I promise to resume my regular posting schedule after that date. If you sincerely cannot survive, I recommend martyrdom - it's badass.

Fiefel Goes Downtown towards Colontown

Image from Windows to the Universe

Last week Scout ate a dead mouse; she swallowed it in one big gulp. Found on the side of the street during a walk, she picked up the flattened carcus. Unwilling to reach into her mouth and pull the mouse out, I pryed her jaw open, turned her upside down and hoped it would just fall out. It did not.

At first I figured, oh well, I'm sure she's eaten worse crap that I haven't known about. But then I realized 1) She is a ten pound dog and ate a one pound mouse, 2) The flattened mouse had clearly been there a while and therefore 3) It was probably diseased. I called the vet to confirm this line of thinking and they informed me that yes, the mouse needed to come out of the Scout's belly. Luckily, they said she'd probably do this on her own.

When two hours passed and no mouse puke had ocurred, I called the vet back. They said to give her hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. When she wouldn't simply drink the poison (figured I'd try)I decided a turkey baster would be the best method. But Scout is a fast little mo-fo and she can fit in places that even I, almost a legal midget, cannot even attempt.

I spent about half an hour chasing her around with the baster and seemed to have more on my shirt than in her mouth. Then, I waited for her to vomit.

She didn't.

They told me to give her more. Repeat baster chase. Repeat no vomit.

Scout was pissed at me and looked miserable from the hydrogen peroxide tummy ache but all my efforts produced no mouse. I brought her in to the vet. After an exam, the vet technician began to tell me my options. About 30 seconds into the speech, Scout finally puked up the mouse... on the technician's foot.

The sight of the mouse foot on the technicians foot, made me want to drink some hydrogen peroxide myself. When she grabbed a paper towel and picked the partially digested body up to eye level, I sincerely wished for momentary blindness. Anyone know a doctor that can Eternal Sunshine this memory away like Tom Wilkinson did for Jim Carey?

World's Ugliest Dog

Image Copyright Grace Chon/Shine Pet Photos

For the first time in seven years, the winner of The World's Ugliest Dog Competition is not a Chinese Crested. You've surely seen pictures of last year's winner, Elwood, a mohawked and bug-eyed Crested with a particularly large wagging tongue.

The 2009 crown went to Pabst, a rescue named for his "bitter beer face." He's a Boxer mix with a particularly large underbite and sweet disposition. He swept all three categories - Mutt, Pedigree(not sure why he could enter this one), World's Ugliest - taking home $1,600 in prize money along with some bling collars, leashes and bowls.

While Pabst got his jiggy on, judge and former Lassie star, Jon Provost signed his just-released memoir,Timmy's in the Well, which I will not link to because I am so sick of D-list celebrities with no writing talent whatsoever publishing and making tons of money off of crap books while us real writers get paid $2 to post an article on a site no one even knows exists.

Will someone please pay me more than $2 to write for them?