A Message From Bobama

Bo's Official White House Picture

Portuguese Water Dog, and presidential First Dog, Bobama, recently submitted an article to The New York Times reflecting on his first 100 days in office.

A clever idea, but not a clever execution. Despite a break to chase a ball, Bo assumes a relatively serious tone. Firstly, Bo is a puppy; I highly doubt his syntax would be that advanced and that he would talk about, let alone recognize, his inferiority in comparison to other White House hounds. Secondly, Bo is a ridiculous animal - fluffy, scruffy, hair over eyes, jumpy, playful, silly. Maybe a more austere dog, perhaps a Schnauzer or an Airedale, would make this speech, but certainly not a dog that trips the President and bites interviewer's microphones.

Bo is a fun dude; I see him closer to keg-standing frat boy than suit-wearing Wharton grad. It's sort of a Prince Harry vs. Prince William thing. Or a Bush twin vs. Chelsea thing. Or a creative writer vs. a journalist thing - which is why they should have had someone a tad more imaginative and less newsy write this piece... like, maybe, me for example. If you know someone at the Times, let them know I am available... very available.

Birth Control for Bingo?

From Osocio

I recently saw an article regarding oral contraception for animals. Yes, Texas A&M wants to put some poochies on the pill. Well, not exactly but the implications of their research will likely lead to birth control pills for domestic animals.

The researchers' initial intentions were to make a pill that would control pesty populations of wild pigs and coyotes that often disturb or cause financial ruin for land owners. But, here's the twist, in order for the pill to work, the animals would have to take it at specific times each day and point in the menstrual cycle - like humans. How in the hell is this going to work with wild animals? Sure, you can grind the pill into the feed, but what's to say the wild pig or coyote will eat the feed in the first place? And what are the chances they will eat it in the correct time range? I'm guessing these questions have come up and they have some answers? If not, this seems like an excuse to get funding so they can eventually market the pill to domestic pet owners.

But it seems to me that using the pill on domestic animals has little positives anyway. I mean, you save money initially by not having to get the animal spayed, but long-term I'd guess you lose out. Plus, as mentioned in the article, Dogs have particularly complicated cycles, making timing even more important. Most women I know can't remember to take their own pill every day at a given time; I doubt they'd be dillegent with their shiba inu.

If this is an attempt to appeal to pet owners who, for cultural or religious reasons, do not support pet sterilization, I doubt those same owners would condone birth control, probably another way in their eyes of "playing God."

Most importantly, if you give your doggie the pill as oppossed to spaying, the dog will still get her period. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to clean up blotches of menstruated blood all over my apartment. Think about bringing a guy or gal home to that. Unless it is from a sweet lip nibble, blood in the apartment is generally frowned upon.

On a semi-related side note: I saw a kid throwing a tantrum at Kinkos this morning and it made me want to get spayed.

Please Forgive Me

Image from Great Funny Pictures

Several (meaning one) of you loyal readers have emailed me asking why my posting has recently halted. I apologize for any psychological damage this caused and hope the wounds of despair heal well (I suggest a plastic surgeon for wounds requiring stitches - I used a regular doctor for a mole on my back and I have a large scar, much like the scar on Scar from The Lion King). My thesis on "Machiavellian Dwarfs with Sciatica on Every Third Tuesday in April" is due to my advisor this week and the department next week. I promise to resume my regular posting schedule after that date. If you sincerely cannot survive, I recommend martyrdom - it's badass.

Fiefel Goes Downtown towards Colontown

Image from Windows to the Universe

Last week Scout ate a dead mouse; she swallowed it in one big gulp. Found on the side of the street during a walk, she picked up the flattened carcus. Unwilling to reach into her mouth and pull the mouse out, I pryed her jaw open, turned her upside down and hoped it would just fall out. It did not.

At first I figured, oh well, I'm sure she's eaten worse crap that I haven't known about. But then I realized 1) She is a ten pound dog and ate a one pound mouse, 2) The flattened mouse had clearly been there a while and therefore 3) It was probably diseased. I called the vet to confirm this line of thinking and they informed me that yes, the mouse needed to come out of the Scout's belly. Luckily, they said she'd probably do this on her own.

When two hours passed and no mouse puke had ocurred, I called the vet back. They said to give her hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. When she wouldn't simply drink the poison (figured I'd try)I decided a turkey baster would be the best method. But Scout is a fast little mo-fo and she can fit in places that even I, almost a legal midget, cannot even attempt.

I spent about half an hour chasing her around with the baster and seemed to have more on my shirt than in her mouth. Then, I waited for her to vomit.

She didn't.

They told me to give her more. Repeat baster chase. Repeat no vomit.

Scout was pissed at me and looked miserable from the hydrogen peroxide tummy ache but all my efforts produced no mouse. I brought her in to the vet. After an exam, the vet technician began to tell me my options. About 30 seconds into the speech, Scout finally puked up the mouse... on the technician's foot.

The sight of the mouse foot on the technicians foot, made me want to drink some hydrogen peroxide myself. When she grabbed a paper towel and picked the partially digested body up to eye level, I sincerely wished for momentary blindness. Anyone know a doctor that can Eternal Sunshine this memory away like Tom Wilkinson did for Jim Carey?

World's Ugliest Dog

Image Copyright Grace Chon/Shine Pet Photos

For the first time in seven years, the winner of The World's Ugliest Dog Competition is not a Chinese Crested. You've surely seen pictures of last year's winner, Elwood, a mohawked and bug-eyed Crested with a particularly large wagging tongue.

The 2009 crown went to Pabst, a rescue named for his "bitter beer face." He's a Boxer mix with a particularly large underbite and sweet disposition. He swept all three categories - Mutt, Pedigree(not sure why he could enter this one), World's Ugliest - taking home $1,600 in prize money along with some bling collars, leashes and bowls.

While Pabst got his jiggy on, judge and former Lassie star, Jon Provost signed his just-released memoir,Timmy's in the Well, which I will not link to because I am so sick of D-list celebrities with no writing talent whatsoever publishing and making tons of money off of crap books while us real writers get paid $2 to post an article on a site no one even knows exists.

Will someone please pay me more than $2 to write for them?

A Rescue Mission

Image from Boston.com

I was very drunk Saturday night. Arriving home at 3am, I took Scout for a walk. We turned a corner and there was what looked like a large stray dog, a Shepherd mix I guessed, in the street. Since I recently chased a small stray through the streets of South Central and failed to catch him, I was extra determined to save this dog.

Scout spotted the dog and started barking, causing him to run. I made kissy noises, whistled and talked/slurred sweetly as we chased the abnormally fast dog. Several blocks later, I lost him. I called my friend Natasha and voiced my concern; I asked her to drive over and scan the neighborhood with me to find him. She asked me what the dog looked like. I described it as grayish brown, about 40 pounds with large ears and a bushier than average tail.

I'm not sure if Natasha pointed it out or I came to the realization upon description, but it was evident that I was chasing a Coyote. In my drunken state, I found this hysterical and laughed the entire way back to my apartment.

When I recalled the coyote incident at 7pm the following day, I thought it must have been a dream. I recounted the tale with Natasha present; she told me my "dream" had actually ocurred.

I chased a coyote. I am totally badass.

Absolutely Not Normal

Image from Dog Training Works

Remember the Tiger Woman who fed her dog fruits and vegetables then wondered why the dog pooped so much? Well, there was an interesting incident with her at the park this weekend.

Tiger treats her dog, Bijon, who is in fact a Bijon, like a child - a porcelin child that farts honeysuckle and speaks six romance languages. She brings the severely ADHD Bijon everywhere, toting a diaper bag filled with toys, wipies, sweaters, snacks and anything else the dog may need given several unlikely situations.

Bijon was running a muck when he yelped and began to limp. Anyone who has a dog, would tell you this happens from time to time and is usually nothing to worry about. As soon as little Bijon yelped, Tiger ran over with her doggie med kit but was crying too hard to check if Bijon was injured. She wanted to rush the pup to the emergency vet but the park peeps advised her to let him try to simply walk it off, which Bijon did within ten steps. Tiger slowly began to recover.

About half an hour later, we were seated on the bench chatting when Tiger had a question: "Is it normal for Bijon to ejaculate blood?" Come again? No, actually do not cum again if it is going to be bloody. We gave a definitive "no" and informed her that neutered dogs should not be ejaculating at all, let alone blood. When asked how long this had been going on she replied, "Oh, about 6, maybe 9 months." What??? Why hadn't she taken this dog to the vet? I'm pretty sure I would have been in the office within five minutes of the first blood-filled squirt. What type of person freaks out over a slightly tweaked leg but doesn't take her dog to the vet when he ejaculates blood?

I'm starting to think mandatory sterilization is a good thing. This lady should not be permitted to have children, watch children, be around children...maybe even look at children.

Thud in the Night

Image from The Daily WTF

At 4am this morning, Dave and I were awoken by a thud. Scout had fallen off the bed. She looked very confused for a good ten seconds on the floor. Then she just popped up and wanted back on the bed. She was asleep and dream running in seconds.

Dave laughed himself back to sleep while I contemplated all the injuries she may have sustained in the fall - the apple doesn't fall far from the neurotic Jewish mother tree.

Our Duty is Your Doodie - Literally

Why is Barbie's dog eating the poop?
Image from MentalFloss

As the economy is dying, a new business is booming - pet waste removal. Yes, just as it sounds, these companies come to your home and pick up the poop from your yard. Costing about $100-150/month, poop pioneers can expect to make anywhere from $30,000 as a solo scooper into the multi millions as a chain owner.

This is absurd on many levels. First of all, if you have a gardener, they will do this for no additional charge. Second, it would take you ten minutes, once a week to bend the fuck over and pick the shit up yourself - turn off The Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit and get off the couch for some excrement exercise. And lastly, defecation duty is part of being a pet owner - would you pay someone to change your kid's diapers? Wait, that's called a nanny.

The pet-waste-removal specialists advertise that they are not a service of convenience but one of environmental and health necessity. What if the poop gets in the drinking water? What if your child comes into contact with puppy parasites? What if we make up bogus reasons for you to justify use of our worthless service?

Note: This post is angry due to alcoholic intake both prior to, and during, writing. Maybe I'm just bitter because high school drop outs are making $20/hour picking up a little feces while I have a Masters degree and am making $0/hour slaving away at my keyboard. Would you click on my damn ads people! Throw me a freakin bone here...but not a rawhide bone...because that makes Scout poop more...and lord knows, I am not turning off Real Housewives of Blow My Face Off to walk the little fucker.

Scout is a Nudnick

Image from Cafepress

For those of you who don't have a Jewish grandmother, a nudnick is an inconsiderate pest. The past few days, Scout has woken me up early via kiss/paw attack. It is impossible to sleep through constant paws to the face and aggressive lip licks; something she never does to Dave but reserves solely for me.

I eventually give in, get up and take her for a walk followed by breakfast. Then, she gets back in bed with Dave and goes back to sleep, cuddling up against him sweetly. Since I am already too awake to go back to bed, I am forced to groggily face the day while the nudnick goes back to her beauty rest.

As this behavoir increases, I think my treat-giving will decrease - I'm hoping, but doubting, she makes the connection.

Seriously? Dog Poop DNA?

Image from Webshots

If you ever take a walk in Los Angeles - something most Angelinos don't do - it's impossible not to notice several "pick up after your dog" signs. In addition to the standard city-issued signs, residents often put handwritten warnings on trees as well. Despite this, excrement inevitably ends up on sidewalks and lawns across the city. And apparently across the world.

This past fall, Petah Tikvah, a suburb of Tel Aviv, took things into their own hands by starting a program that uses DNA technology to match dog poop to dog owner. Those who do not clean up will be fined; those who do and deposit the doodie in specially marked bins will be rewarded with dog food coupons and toys.

OK, not a bad idea, but how in the heck are they going to get the DNA in the first place? As it turns out, they don't really have a plan - they expect people to voluntarily bring their dog to the vet for a DNA swab which the owner can then send to a city lab. That's like asking known criminals to go to the police station and leave some hair, fingerprints and semen. It all seems a bit whimsical. And passing a law that you must give the city your dog's DNA feels too Gattaca and like something that would only happen in China.

Nevertheless, it appears that a small Bavarian town, has indeed decided to make the doggie DNA sample mandatory. The best part: they are going to employ someone to "collect errant canine ordure and match it with the databank – or put out an alert for a stray that must be stopped." Maybe if the Canine Concierge gig doesn't pan out I'll just head to Germany. Geben Sie mir Bratwurst!

New Job Idea - W Hotel Dog Concierge

Image from Zazzle UK

Since my teaching contract at USC has ended, I've been looking for part-time gigs to pay some bills while I finish up my Masters thesis. Searching every generic and industry-specific job search database, I came to the conclusion that my best option was to become a foot fetish model* - they only work a few hours each day and are well compensated, making up to $1,000 per four-hour night. Yes, I realize I would need to shower for another four hours thereafter to make my body, and more importantly, conscience, clean but I find that when you only have $3,000 to your name, money scrubs everything down real nicely.

But today I think I found a new opportunity. I read an interesting article about The W Hotel chain and how they recently became dog friendly. I'd actually call them more than friendly, they give your pooch a special bed with turn-down treats and will even bake them a special-occasion cake, if it happens to be their Bark Mitzvah..

In order to live up to their pampered-pet claims, they have a concierge dedicated to serving your pets every need. Armed with toys, poop bags, and maps of the dog parks and pet stores in the area, the concierge knows as much about dogs as Courtney Love does about drugs - which says a lot. I want to be the Courtney Love of dogs at the W Hotel in Westwood...what can I say, I dream big.

Do you think they'll make me dress up for this canine concierge position? I don't do well in business suits; I turn into a psycho-bitch - it is like when a superhero is made awesome by a costume, but the opposite cause I get very un-awesome. Maybe I can just wear sweatpants and a hat (my usual attire) since I'll be dealing with dogs all day. I am sending an email to The W right now and offering my services (given they approve the bum look). I'll let you know how it goes. In the mean time, I'd better get a pedicure...

*Search Craigslist for "Foot Fetish Model" - there seem to be a lot of people interested in masturbating to (and potentially on) your feet.

Daned if you do, Daned if you don't

I almost JIMPed my pants yesterday. An enormous Great Dane was walking down the street and a woman stopped to say hi. The Dane went straight for the crotch and backed the woman into a bush. Then the Dane pulled his head up and the chick was riding his snout! It was the best moment of my life and I'm pretty sure will remain so for some time to come.

Is this Cute?

Cute Overload has deemed this animal adorable. Even more shocking, people seem to agree. Personally, I find the Pygmy Jerboa absolutely, unquestionably horrifying. It looks like someone tried to cross a chick with a rat and it went terribly wrong, resulting in an animal I previously thought reserved only for Dreamworks. I'm not sure if it is the long, thick tail, body-to-feet ratio, or fact that they can jump 3 feet, but I am going to have nightmares rivaling those of the Freddy Krueger variety.¹

These mutants are apparently rampant in Pakistan - good thing the Muslims have made it clear they do not want me there (think last name) cause if I had ever seen a Jerboa in real life, I would have either suffered life-ending hyperventilation or text messaged Al-Qaeda (I wonder if they are on Verizon?) to come put me out of my misery. If Muslims and Jews ever learn from the fawn and bobcat and someday get along, I'm still not hittin' up Islamabad.

Oh, no - I just read that they are very good burrowers. If those bastards get through the Earth's core² and end up in SoCal, I'm setting so many glue traps...fuck it, I'm covering myself in glue and will be a human Jerboa trap - take that pygmy bitches!

1 - Remember when Johnny Depp got eaten by his bed? The music in this version is AWESOME.

2 - Yes, I realize it is more likely for them to arrive via a rare-species smuggler, I was exaggerating for effect...it's what writers do...get over it. And no, I don't know if I used the right effect/affect and I don't give a crap.

**A slight retraction: I did some YouTubing and it turns out I don't hate all Jerboas. I think these Egyptian guys are pretty awesome.

Pet of the Week - Squirrel

Squirrel is the man - er, the dog. I met him at the park last week; his foster mom brought the little dude for some rompage. Squirrel played like a maniac with his dog pals then just chilled with the humans for some cuddle time. He loves to have his belly rubbed so much that when you say hi to him, he automatically rolls on his back and shuts his eyes in preparation for complete bliss. This picture doesn't quite do him justice - he is absolutely absurdly adorable, with a whimsical personality that charmed everyone at the park.

If you live in SoCal, check out Squirrel and other Much Love Dogs. If not, or in addition, search Petfinder to locate a Squirrel-like pup in your hood.

Does Fido Feel Regret?

Image from eHow

When we first got Scout, every time we left her alone she would find something to tear into a million pieces and scatter around the apartment. When it was an old brochure or tissues from the bathroom garbage, we weren't that upset. But when it was our journal from a trip to Israel or a sentimental favorite book, we were. And Scout knew this. She'd put her tail between her legs, pull her ears back and hide under the bed in shame.

But, did Scout actually feel conscious regret? Or was she merely giving a sign that she messed up, something perhaps just evolutionary? This is the topic of an article in this week's New York Times Science section. Recent experiments have resulted in moping coyotes, second-guessing monkeys and eye-covering tigers.

While I doubt that Scout feels human-like regret, in the sense of deep contemplation and even depression, I do think she feels something. When a dog at the park is playing too rough, the others will let him know by either recoiling and ignoring him or going at him aggressively. This generally results in the the offender slouching and withdrawing to the perimeter.

Marc Bekoff, a behavioral ecologist at The University of Colorado, noticed this same phenomena with wild coyotes, adding that if the animal did not show this regret, the others would not let him back into the group. In the wild, this would cause the animal to be left alone, therefore decreasing its chance of survival. So, even if animals do not contemplate like we do, they at least know what is right and wrong and feel some form of regret when they screw up.*

*I think cats may be the exception to this notion. Dave's parent's cat regularly shits in their sink then waits nearby and gloats when the turd has been discovered. My friend's cat routinely tears down all the curtains in her house then pisses on them. Instead of sulking or hiding, the cat actually leads my friend to the destroyed curtains, as if saying "Go out again; I dare you." Cats are some freaking pissy biatches.<sup>†

†</sup> Not Fred Holop, who was da bomb

World's Scariest Dog?

Image from GotPetsOnline.com

Could this cuddly guy actually be the most aggressive dog breed? According to a study done by The Autonomous University of Barcelona, he is indeed. Looking at 1,049 cases of aggression over 8 years, the researchers noticed that English Cocker Spaniels, like the one pictured above, were involved in the most cases followed by Rottweilers, Boxers, Yorkshire Terriers and German Shepherds.

What I found most interesting about the research is that this study, along with another by The University of Cordova, found that gold-coated English Cocker Spaniels were more aggressive than those with black or mixed-color coats. The lead researcher explained that this was because melanin shares a biochemical pathway with dopamine and other brain chemicals that determine aggression.

This got me thinking about humans and melanin. Being the dork that I am, I took several college classes in paleopathology, the study of ancient disease. I recall a professor telling us that Parkinson's Disease was related to an inability to produce a sufficient amount of dopamine. Though there has been no definitive link to race, Parkinson's is far more prevalent in Caucasians (those with less melanin) than African Americans (those with more melanin). Though the exact types of melanin in skin (eumelanin and pheomelanin) and melanin in the brain (neuromelanin) are different, I find the whole idea of skin or coat color affecting biochemistry, or rather, being linked to it, mind-boggling. This is one of the once-a-month moments when I wish I'd gone to med school instead of getting a Masters Degree in something that helps me write a blog.

Awesome "Best in Show" Clip

I love Christopher Guest and "Best in Show" is my favorite of his movies. This is not because the movie is about dogs, but because it is about people obsessed with their dogs. And while people obsessed with any one thing - Pickleball, JTT, The Weather Channel - are funny, dog obsession makes me feel better about my treatment of my own dog.

Dave thinks I am ridiculous with Scout; namely because I feel absurdly guilty leaving her, I incorporate her into as many of my daily activities as possible and I often roll around on the floor with her pretending to be a dog and exchanging kisses.

This movie proves that though ridiculous, I am not obsessed. Yes, the movie is indeed fiction, but it is completely based on reality and the exaggeration is actually pretty minimal. The following people visit the dog park on a regular basis: a woman who cooks filet mignon and rack of lamb every day for her poop-eating (literally, the dog eats turds) Wheaton Terrier; a man who gives his Beagle aromatherapy facials; an unemployed writer who dresses her Maltipoo in Burberry.

Sleeping with the Enemy

A three day old fawn and a three week old bobcat were rescued during the Santa Barbara fires two weeks ago. Though rescued wild animals, especially of different species, are not usually kept together, workers were forced to place animals anywhere they could. These two ended up in the Santa Barbara County Dispatch Office, where they immediately became buddies and cuddled for several hours under a desk.

One of the many ironies of the situation is that not only would these two be unlikely friends in the wild, they would most likely be enemies. In the winter, when food is scarce, bobcats often eat deer.

There are many instances of interspecies relationships but very few which involve predator and prey. Is it possible that this fawn and cat relationship will be detrimental to these animals when they are returned to the wild? Will the bobcat not recognize fawn as potential prey and starve rather than kill it? Will the fawn not know bobcats are predators and be too easy a target?

This may seem extreme but while humans learn from their parents over several years, animals do so over a much shorter time period, often a max of one year. So, time spent with parents as a baby is far more important in terms of learning essential life skills. Likewise, experiences from childhood bear more weight in terms of influence.

Though animal behavior is interesting, pondering this situation is taking up too much time; I was supposed to leave for a weekend in San Diego an hour ago. So, I am going to try and relate something from my childhood to this situation in order to distract you from the fact that I am tying nothing together here.

When I was about three, my parents bought a plastic blow-up octopus that attached to the sprinkler head. While my brother and I ran around the yard, the octopus would erratically fly/jump all over the place spraying water out its long purple tentacles. This was an endlessly fun way to spend a humid summer day in New York. We loved the octopus and since I attributed human emotion to all of my toys, I believed Octi, as we called him, loved us back for our undying devotion to his epileptic-like mayhem.

Just as the fawn didn't fear the bobcat, I didn't fear Octi...which is why it was a shock when he wrapped a tentacle around my neck and squeezed with all his might until I was as purple as his tentacles. My father ran outside and wrestled the "predator" from me, the "prey." So, that fawn should watch out cause that bobcat biatch will give her a beat down and she won't have my dad, or her deer mother, to save her. Wow, sort of made this semi-work.*

*Not really, but thanks for sticking with me anyway.

Dissing Your Dog

Just found this sketch while messing around on Hulu. I'd seen it before but never really considered it as a serious training option. Food and congratulatory excitement, the former being far preferred, are what I use with Scout. Though I can't say I've ever really trained Scout in the sense that she listens to me. Sure, she can sit, lay down, roll over, give paw, even come sometimes. But if there was say, an enticing butt to smell or squirrel to chase or poop to roll in, she'd ignore me and do whatever the hell she wanted.

The fact that she understands free will on some rudimentary dog-level makes me think she is smart; it also makes me think she is a total a-hole. Perhaps if I applied Mr.Sturtevant's techniques, she would realize her a-holeness and actually listen. It's no crueler than Caesar Milan's "Shhh"/neck jerk technique.

Alas, I won't insult the derelect doggie - mainly because I think it is unfun and anxiety-inducing to employ verbal irony upon a being that can't return it. If Scout refused to come to me and I said "Ok, I guess I'll leave and you can go back to the original family that abandoned you," I would want her to come back with "Go ahead, leave me here and go hang out with the other friends you don't have." Instead, the comeback stays in her little mutt brain, for only her to enjoy, as I sit and contemplate every terrible thing she could be thinking about me.

Our dogs see us at our most vulnerable times: naked, peeing, stuffing our face with cookie dough after we learn our "the one's" most lofty goal is to have tattoo sleeves, etc. Let's hope that evolution doesn't lead to talking dogs; they've got far too much on us.

Again?!

Image from Slate.com

I just got caught by the same neighbor, in the same spot, singing a very similar song, this time about a "tushy monster." It appears I am the one with a poopy brain (see previous post). I bet she thinks I'm schizophrenic. Maybe I should just go with it? Could be fun to see how long before I sufficiently weird this lady out and she moves out.

On a sort of related note, when I met David Sedaris a few weeks ago I pretended to have multiple personality disorder in an attempt to make it into his journal and therefore his future readings. We had to fill out sheets of paper with our name so that he could spell it correctly when signing our book. I wrote "Rufus B. VonKleinsmid: Purveyor of the Dark Arts."

When he asked who Rufus was, I said he was my other personality but couldn't make it that night because he was home sick with swine flu. David said he thought he had swine flu and upon telling me his symptoms I deduced that yes, indeed he did. Then he offered me a piece of fried bread and I went on my way.

Kids, may this be your lesson - this is what happens when you are on drugs*.

*Relatively harmless drugs that are legal in CA

The Next American Idol

When I'm happy, I sing. Since Scout makes me happy, I often sing when with her and often about her. The songs are improvised on the spot, sometimes following popular tunes but often to harmonies I just make up. The whole process is pretty unconscious and most times, if you ask me to repeat a song I sang ten minutes ago, I can't.

Dave seems to enjoy these little diddies. This has encouraged me to sing them even more and even louder. But I hadn't realized I was singing them outside our abode until this morning.

While returning from a walk and approaching my apartment I was singing a song that consisted of the following lyrics: "Poopy brain. Little Scout's got poopy in her little pinhead"* The initial "poopy" was an elongated "pooooooopy." I was looking down at my keys and failed to notice my brand new neighbor walking towards us. I belted "poopy in her little pinhead" quite enthusiastically only to look up and lock eyes with the neighbor, who was now face to face. It was too late to recover; I put my head down and hummed the rest of the melody as I quickly headed up the stairs to my apartment.

*I never said the songs were good

What is Goofy?

So there's this part in Rob Reiner's Stand by Me (always a fave of mine) where they discuss what animal Goofy is. The kids are baffled by the fact that though Goofy is a dog, he wears clothes, drives a car and does other anthropomorphic things, making him more human than dog. I accepted this discussion and never really figured out my take on it.

I've done some thinking and decided this is one of the dumbest conversations ever (even given that I think they were stoned). It is not strange that Goofy is anthropomorphic, tons of characters are: Donald Duck, Micky Mouse, Bugs Bunny, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Yogi, Pooh etc. What is strange is that though there are tons of human-like ducks, bunnies, mice, there are very few dogs.

Pluto, Odie, Astro, Scooby Doo, even Snoopy, who can type - all more dog than human.

I did some serious brain work and had a hard time coming up with anthropomorphic cartoon dogs other than Goofy. Here's what I got*:

Auggie Doggy and Daddy Doggie - a father and son team that look like dogs but carry on life as if completely human. It is clear that they understand morals and emotion.

Underdog - a Superman spoof who speaks in rhyme, something more advanced than mere talking, which if alone, does not make an animal completely anthropomorphic.

Brian Griffin - taking language a step further, Brian employs sarcasm, something only those with high functioning brains that understand irony can do. He is also a drunk atheist who graduated from Brown and held many jobs.


Dogbert - complete megalomaniac with the ultimate goal of conquering the world and enslaving humans. He also gives advice and dabbles in business consulting.

Can you think of any others? Speech alone is not enough; they must actually act like a human.

*I didn't cheat and search Google - this is what I got from my head, something it seems people rely on very little these days.

Can't We All Just Get Along

I spend far too much time on Cute Overload, where I came across a squirrel that hangs out with a litter of puppies. I'm moderately obsessed with inter-species love.





Why can't Jews and Arabs just cuddle up together? Their roughly century long hatred is nothing compared to the 15,000 year battle between dogs and squirrels.

Antics or Altruism?

The current season of American Idol featured the show's first blind* contestant, a Scottsdale native named Scott MacIntyre. Other contestants and at times, a cane, were used to guide the singer to and around the stage.

Voted off a few weeks back, Scott was recently given a surprise from judge Paula Abdul - a seeing eye dog. This seemed odd to me given that Scott apparently never expressed that he even liked dogs, let alone wanted one. I figured this was another silly antic from the consistently-spaced-out Abdul.

However, upon looking into the issue, I found out that Paula may be smarter and have better intentions than the public generally affords her. She is pairing up with pet stores and companies to promote National Guide Dog Month, with the goal of increasing awareness and raising funds for guide dog organizations across the country.

It turns out that training a dog takes about two years and costs around $40,000. Though dogs are offered for free, lists are long and wait times are often measured in years. And simply avoiding the list and purchasing a dog costs upwards of $20,000; making this an option only for the financially sound.

So, Paula may have offered the dog with the intentions of making headlines to raise awareness more so than giving Scott something he desired. Even if Scott doesn't want the dog, which will be officially given to him after the Idol tour, the act served a greater purpose and did indeed turn heads and hopefully open wallets.

Straight Up, Paula will be Forever My Girl cause she's Crazy Cool and regardless of intent, is working towards the Promise of a New Day in our Cold Hearted world where most people are just Blowing Kisses in the Wind.**

To donate or volunteer, check out Guide Dogs of America or find an organization in your area.

*Scott is technically "visually impaired" but in my book a 2% field of vision = blind.

**I'm totally awesome and simultaneously not awesome.

The Scouts Sensed the Quake!

I've lived in California for two years and last week experienced my first big(ish)Earthquake. Centered in Westlake Village, the 4.4 quake caused my Santa Monica dingbat to shake and sway. Being as there was not much damage nor injury associated with the incident, I feel OK saying that I enjoyed the quake - it made me feel like a real Californian.

The ten seconds (or however long it lasted) of shaking was not even the most interesting part. A few seconds prior to the quake, my dog and the dog I was watching for the weekend seemed to sense it coming. Involved in an intense stuffed animal tug-of-war, the two pups simultaneously dropped the toy as their ears perked up and they stood at attention. One second later the shaking started.

Animals sensing earthquakes is not new - the first written account dates to 373 B.C., when nearly all wild animals left ancient Helike before a quake annihilated the Greek city. Some posit that animals feel the earth vibrate before humans; others think they can detect electrical charges and or gas released from the earth.

While American seismologists downplay animal prediction, Asian authorities regularly rely on it - partially based on animal behavior, Chinese officials evacuated Haicheng in 1975 a few days before a 7.3-magnitude trembler would have injured or killed an estimated 150,000 plus people.

Non-believers claim that people recall the weird animal behavior only after the catastrophe has occurred and that if nothing had happened the people wouldn't have remembered the antics at all. I can honestly tell you that I consciously noted that the dogs were acting strange seconds before the tremor occurred. Plus, similar accounts of animal predictions are seen throughout the world and throughout history - how could everyone have the same stories and/or suffer the same memory problem?

Dog behavior has been associated not just with earthquakes, but with other natural disasters such as storms, fires and avalanches as well as human disasters, such as diabetic seizures, heart attacks and even cancer. Not only do dogs have advanced senses, they are uncanny judges of body language and can actually read mood and emotion. This is far more than human or machine will ever be able to achieve. Maybe instead of spending millions on technological prediction for natural disasters we should just listen to nature.

If you are not convinced, watch this:

Plastic Surgery for Dogs

In the lastest "idiotic things rich people do" news, those with cash to spare are spending it on plastic surgery for their dogs. While some surgery, such as rhinoplasty to help pugs breathe is actually warranted, there have been many cases in which dogs have been altered simply to improve their appearance.

Brazil, the plastic surgery capitol of the world, where people visit specifically for cosmetic procedures, is at the forefront of canine makeovers. The most popular surgeries are straightening bent ears, making protruding ears droop, tightening the mammillae (breasts) and enhancing facial symmetry. Basically, anything that has been done on humans is carrying over to the canine world.

Edgado Brito, a leader of the pet enhancement movement, claims that if a dog is more attractive its relationship with its owner will be better. What a crock of shit! The beauty of dogs is that they love us unconditionally regardless of our shortcomings. Don't we owe them the same? The recent story of Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent is proof of our inability to not judge people "by their cover." But can we at least retain our ability to judge animals by their character, rather than their attractiveness? In my opinion, some of the best looking dogs are the least conventional. Though I'm pretty sure I am in the minority here, who couldn't love a rascal like this:

Glow in the Dark Dogs

These may look like your average Beagles, but these guys are clones that contain a gene that makes them glow in the dark; or more accurately, they glow red in the dark when UV light is shone on them. The South Korean scientists responsible for the act say it was not done for novelty but for medical research. It turns out that this same experiment has been done on both mice and pigs.

I'm undecided about my feelings regarding genetic engineering and animal experimentation, but it seems to me, this was not done for medical benefits. According to Science Daily, while experiments on dogs are good for studying infectious disease, as far as genetics, the pig is a much more viable option. If we already succeeded in implanting the glow in the dark gene in the pig, there seems to be no medical need to do so with a dog.

In addition, this is the same research team (BioArts International) that began cloning dogs for rich Americans a few years back - and that certainly was not for research purposes. Unlike Westerners, Koreans see dogs as a product (mainly food), not a pet, so the claim that this experiment is for science could simply be to fight Western backlash.

To make matters even worse the scientists named all four puppies the same thing: Ruppy, a combination of Ruby and Puppy. This is proof that these people are idiots and should not be given the resources to do any more genetic experiments. Genetic engineering in the wrong hands is terrifying; think Brave New World, Gattaca or recent film adaptations of H.G. Well's The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Pet of the Week - Buddah Bear

Come on, how can you say no to a face like that? Don't be fooled by his size, this big baby is all about love - of people, children and dogs of all sizes. A typical Staffie, Buddah is eager to please and would make a great family pet. Check out Buddah Bear and other available dogs by breed, age and size at Petfinder. Buying a dog is easy; saving one is even easier.

Pumps at the Park

A woman showed up at the park the other day with 4" heels on. Why would you do this? After much thought, I came up with some scenarios:

1. You went home with a guy you don't know or have only recently started seeing. Since it is too early into the relationship to keep clothes at his place you are forced to go home in what you wore the night prior. But you don't go home - you sit in his foodless apartment and pick at your nail bed while trying to make conversation. He suggests taking his dog to the park. You jump at the opportunity to be with him but have something concrete to look at and talk about. You put on the pumps, cringe due to the blisters you acquired slutty dancing to Lady GaGa and head to the park, where you break said pumps by falling when using a Chuck-It Launcher.

2. You are training to be a Chuck-It Launcher model (which does not pay but may lead to other dog toy model jobs).

3. Since you don't want to display your cheesey chick lit, you store that genre in the oven you never use. When climbing on the counter to reach the out-of-reach-on-purpose chocolate cabinet, you accidentally hit the oven on. Shortly thereafter, the kitchen is in flames. You spend so much time getting your completely unique Ikea picture off the wall that the only other item you have time to grab are the pumps. The whole place burns to the ground. Though friends and family have since stepped in to provide food, shelter and alternate shoes, you are attached to the pumps for sentimental reasons and refuse to take them off until you find a new place, at which point they will be bronzed, encased in glass and hung on the wall next to the saved Ikea piece.

4. You are a Craigslist weekend escort.

I am 80% sure #4 was the case(Chuck-It Model also quite plausible)in the pumps at the park mystery. The woman was a 20-something Latino in a revealing skirt and top; The man was a 60-something Caucasian dressed like someone trying to dress like someone who was about to board a yacht. He probably never made it to a yacht that day but I bet he did do some motorboating.

Possibly All Time Fave Dog Video

Would be even better without Harry Connick Jr. singing in the background - he is someone I dislike for no real reason. It could have something to do with his role as Dr. Leo Markus on Will and Grace. Leo bothered me not because he was a cheater with bad-timing but because in the twenty-so episodes before he sinned, he was too good. I get the feeling Connick is a little too good as well--on top of looks and talent, he doesn't drink, he's a dedicated father and he gives not just money, but time, to charity. I was very excited to find out he was arrested in 1992 for gun possession. I need overwhelmingly moralistic people to fail sometimes in order to feel better about myself. Does this make me a bad person?

Oh, right, the video:

Bo Knows Bullshit

If you search the term "Bo" on Google right now you get 431,000,000 results. The first to come up does not go to Bo Concept or Bo Diddley*, but to the Obama's new dog.

Indeed the first dog is major news at the moment. A gift from Edward Kennedy, Bo is a 6-month-old Portuguese Water Dog with tuxedo cat colors that make him well-suited for all White House affairs.

Though Bo is without a doubt very cute, the Obamas originally said they were going to adopt a rescue dog. This got PETA, the ASPCA and shelters throughout the nation very excited as it would be a chance for Obama to set a good example. With over 11,000 dogs and cats euthanized each day (4 million a year) in the U.S., we could use a good example and no one has more influence than the president.

But now, instead of people rushing to shelters, they are rushing to pet stores and breeders to get a Portie for themselves--since Bo-bama was revealed, the breed has been in high demand across the globe. I understand that choosing a dog is a very personal matter involving several factors, including the well-being of children. Though some shelter dogs do have behavioral problems, the first fam could have easily found a mutt in need that met all their requirements by working with a rescue organization.

To top it all off, they got a puppy. Shelters are filled with adult dogs; the puppies go quickly. I know they wanted a young dog, but they could have gotten a 1 or 2 year old, at least setting a good example in that respect.

Everything said, while the papers were filled with Bo-bama news, pirate attacks soared, soldiers were killed and millions of homes faced foreclosure. In the grand scheme of things, I hope Barack did not spend more than 10 minutes thinking about the first dog.

*Some say the dog was named after Michelle's father's favorite singer. Others say the girls' cousin has a cat named Bo, so in very kid-style they named it the same thing. Option 2 sounds more realistic; 1 sounds like something the press secretary made up.

Ferret Fever

People in California are mad. And it's not because of Prop 8 or the LA school system or immigration. It's because of ferrets.

Though legal in 48 states states, it is punishable by law to own the pet in California (and Hawaii) due to potentially harmful ecological effects. However, members of Ferrets Anonymous estimate there are hundreds of thousands of ferrets hidden in homes across the state. Many owners have grown paranoid; they avoid talking to neighbors, keep all the blinds closed and even refuse to leave the house in fear that The Department of Fish and Game will find and seize their fuzzy friends.

Ferret-lovers hoped that when Arnold entered office in 2003 he would repeal the law--not because Arnold is a weasel-lover, but because he held a ferret in Kindergarten Cop. It was a hasty generalization indeed; Arnold rejected their cries for full ferret freedom.

The new leader of the ferret movement calls himself Leatherface after a role he played in the "Jackass" spinoff, "Viva La Bam" (which was even jackass-ier). He runs "Off the Hook TV", an internet show, on which he recently ran a very poorly/oddly-produced Pro-Ferret and Anti-Arnold episode.

I'm not sure why anyone would want a hyperactive elongated rat/racoon-like animal in the first place, but I have no problem someone having one. The ecological reasoning behind the ban seems a bit too apocolyptic to me. I am sure they would alter both native plant and animal life a bit but I don't think they would turn into a malevolent super species and take over the planet--or, if they do, it will be due to genetic engineering, not people losing pets.

That said, I just read something that changed my mind and made me think they should definitely be illegal, but for purely non-ecological reasons. Ferrets, in Latin "little thieves," are by nature curious and furtive; they can get into just about anything--cabinets (even child-proofed), walls, plumbing, etc.--and steal just about everything, ranging from socks to your wedding ring. Ferret owners spends hours each week ferret-proofing their house. But even with an experienced proofer, an accident resulting in ferret death is likely. Drowning, electrocution, getting chopped in half by a fan, being crushed in recliner springs, being stepped on--there are endless horrifying possibilities. Though ferrets are usually caged when owners are not home, they are so stealthy that even when you are watching them they often escape your view--especially when you have many of them, as it seems most ferret freaks do.

So, I think ferrets should be illegal due to the innumerable chances for human psychological damage upon seeing a little buddy squished, severed or foaming at the mouth while seizuring because it ate the dishwasher detergent. In fact, instead of doing another ecological study, as ferret owners have requested, we should do a study of the correlation between past or current ferret ownership and homocidal tendencies. I wonder if Jiverly Wong had ferrets?

Rescued Pet of the Week - Jezzy

From now on, I will post a dog from a rescue organization or shelter each week that is in need of a home. With foreclosures on the rise, many dogs are being left behind. Don't support pet stores that sell dogs from abusive puppy mills--which is where most stores get their pups. No need to go to a fancy breeder; there are tons of great purebreads and mixes out there that will provide just as much love and fun. And don't just consider the puppies--most adults come house and leash-trained!

Jezabel (Jezzy)
There are many similar-looking Labs, Cocker Spaniels and Boxers out there but there is only one Jezzy. With one ear up and the other decidedly down, along with a slightly protruding bottom lip, you couldn't design this dog if you tried. She's just as cute personlity-wise, and excited to meet both canines and humans (especially if they have food; Chihuahua mixes are pigs!)As a bonus, she's a tiny dog that won't make you look like a priss!

Check out the links below in the left column to see more available pooches.

Bark Mitzvah

In continuance of the theme of the last post, I recently found out that Jews--Reformed and Conservative--are throwing Bark Mitzvahs for their dogs when they reach 13 in dogs years (1.8 human years). Ceremonies include a reading of the arf-torah, a reference to the traditional Bas Mitzvah haftarah reading followed by shouts of Muzzle Tov and a party with friends (both human and furry), family and sometimes cantors.

Though people spend a little too much time and money on Dog-friendly cakes, inscripted yarmulkes and fancy pooch-themed decorations, most of the time, people ask in place of a gift to give a donation to either the synagogue or an animal rescue organization. So, as kitchy and potentially inappropriate as this is, it is a form of tzedakah and generally put towards a good cause.

Check out the pics from Kasha's Bark Mitzvah or read about Admiral Rufus K. Boom's special day.

Passover Seder for Dogs

In Chicago some Jews decided that it wasn't fair to leave their four-legged loved ones out of the Passover Seder. So, they created a seder just for dogs, featuring a telling of the story of Exodus, including the typical rituals and featuring Kosher dog food. When Laberdoodle Goober Goldstein found the Aficomen and was rewarded with gefilte fish he exclaimed, "I'm so ver clempt I could plotz!"

At first, I chalked this up to crazy Jews just being crazy Jews. However, when I looked into dogs' involvement in other religions I found out that many churches--mainly in New York, but it is spreading--are now allowing dogs at mass.

In a culture where dogs are not only part of the family but part of the zeitgeist, this makes complete sense. At my local supermarket here in Santa Monica, I've seen dogs sitting in the shopping cart seat generally reserved for children. At a pet store we frequent they offer doggie facials. I have friends that cook Filet Mignon for their dog while they eat microwave dinners.

But is religion crossing the line? I am a Jew culturally more so than religiously--meaning I identify more with the traditions than with the actual belief system. Because of this, dogs at seders is cool with me; my dog is part of my life and part of my life is my culture. But, I'd imagine if it was the other way around I'd find dogs participating in holy rituals or at places of worship completely unacceptable. What do you think?

Food Names for Dogs

I like when dogs are named after food. Here is a list of my faves, listed loosely by food type (Say these with a last name for greatest effect):

1) Mexican: Taquito, Fajita, Burrito, Chimichunga (Chimi for short)

2) Southern: Gumbo, Cornbread, Biscuit (make sure you call their actual biscuits "treats" or they may be confused), Deep-fry

3) Jewish: Challah (pronounced Holla!), Pickle, Knish, Latke, Schmaltz (Schmaltz Schwartz would be sweet)

4) Asian: Dumpling, Drunken Chicken, General Tso, Sparerib, Wonton

5) Caribbean: Yuca, Pepperpot, Jerk (good one for the misbehaving dog)

6) Italian: Calzone, Ravioli, Zuppa di Pesce (If Joe Pesci has a dog and this is not its name, I'm calling the ASPCA)

7) French: Quiche, Bouillabaisse, Truffles, Biscotti (again, call doggie dessert "treats" or you'll have a dog that flips out every time you say its name)

8) English/Scottish/Irish: Mushy Pea, Banger (best for an unaltered male), Hot Toddy, Mutton, Blaa

9) Middle Eastern: Pita, Feta, Ouzo, Gyro

10) Chocolate: Whopper, Goober, Willy Wonka, Whatchamacallit

11) Candy: Twizzler, Chuckles, Chiclet, Abba-Zaba (You may have a chance to use a Half-Baked quote! Watching it the first 30 times you smoked finally paid off--hope your lungs are doing OK)

12) Descriptive food words: Chewy, Chunky, Fizzy

Shit. I just spent an inordinate amount of time making that list instead of doing things on my to-do list. I guess I can "clean closet" and "get in touch with a friend of a friend of a friend of someone who works at NBC and has access to Tina Fey's email address" another day.

Really?

It turns out that while dog painting is all the rave in China, cat painting is quite common elsewhere--or so two nutty New Zealanders claim (not Bret and Jemaine, the only kiwis that matter). Burton Silver and Heather Busch wrote a book titled Why Paint Cats: The Ethics of Feline Aesthetics, which includes several painted cats like the one above.

With some research, I found out that the book is a spoof on both art and cat publications--which makes this way, way awesomer than the painted Panda dog. It creates an entire theory and includes fake interpretive essays about each artist and cat. The pictures were Photoshopped and the writing is completely deadpan. For example, a cat painted like a fish achieves in:

"redefining and blurring the relationship between fur and scale, fin and tail, in order to create a shared intent that transubstantiates the species and repositions the notion of symbiosis."

Since 90% of people are stupid, many took the book seriously. This spurred inflammatory reaction and discussion boards filled with admirers questioning how to get the cat, an innately skittish animal, to stay still while you paint.

Burton and Busch have also published Why Cats Paint, which also confused people and was even more absurd in both concept and commentary.

Those New Zealanders are some silly descendants of criminals*. I wish I had some degenerate blood in me.

*A blog reader has informed me that my reference to New Zealand as an island of criminals is incorrect--Australia is where the miscreants were sent and where their descendants reside. But I bet some Australian criminals kayaked over to New Zealand and thought, They have ratites here! I think I'll stay. The descendants of these ratite-loving kayakers are who I am talking about.

The Welcome Committee

Imagine approaching your door after a long day of work and seeing your five favorite friends there to welcome you home. Now imagine they are holding out El Cholo Gran Tradicional Margaritas for you. And your apartment has as an Austin Powers rotating circle bed and a rock and waterfall pool--filled with naked models massaging your shoulders and serving no-calorie In-N-Out burgers. Now multiply that happiness by twenty. You are still not nearly as excited as these dogs.

Chinese Panda Dog

Some crazy guy in China dyed his Chow Chow to look like a panda. The trend has been catching on and is now popular in Japan as well. Discussion forums are split between those who think the dying is cruel and those who think it is cute. Hubpages.com member Luke Skywalker says "Anybody who complains about this being cruel is a dumbfuck! Congradulations." Um, it appears you are the "dumbfuck" Luke--it's congraTulations. I would dye you to look like a douchebag but you already are one. Darth Vader should have eaten you when you were a baby and your bones were still soft.



While Panda Dog's owner went to a supposedly safe salon that used non-toxic dye, I fear that most copycatters will go the cheap route and use spray paint or shoe polish. I think this is fine as long as you drink some bleach before applying the paint; it's a good way to share the experience.

Bouncing Newfies

My in-laws* just got a trampoline and two slides for their two already-enormous Newfie puppies. I'm not sure what this means but pictures to come!



*Not actually in-laws but hopefully soon to be? If Dave likes it, he better put on ring on it cause half a decade as "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" has made me want nothing more than a new set of titles. If it's not fiance, that's OK, I'm cool with "homeboy" and "homegirl" or "papaganoosh" and "mommus."

Dog Whispering is Not Compatible with Jewish Motherness

Caesar Milan does not like rewarding your dog with affection. He claims a dog would rather have a strong pat on the back than a kiss-filled belly rub. Clearly, he was not raised by a Jewish mother.

Dogs Just Want to Have Fun

When I picked up Scout this weekend from Big Scout's house across the street, she was ecstatic to see me. She jumped into my arms and gave me loads of smelly kisses. She sprinted back to our apartment and ran in like a lunatic. She sniffed all around and checked all the rooms (not a big feat given the size of my apartment). After that she went back to giving me smelly kisses. My popularity soared for about an hour or so.

Shortly after that hour, Scout went out on the balcony, stared across the street and whined. She proceeded to the door and did the same thing. I figured she had a tummy ache and was telling me she was about to poop her non-existent doggy pants. I put her leash on, opened the door and she started pulling. Thinking she really had to go, I ran down the stairs and to the sidewalk along with her. But when we got to the sidewalk she didn't stop to find a patch of grass to go on. She continued pulling and led me (Caesar would not approve of her being the pack leader)across the street. It was clear that she was headed for Big Scout's house. I was no longer entertaining. She wanted her friend back.

At first I was slightly insulted; how could she trade me in for another buddy so readily. But upon much deep pondering, I realized I'm like her mom, not her cool older sister. Of course she'd want to play with someone her age who shares her interests (poop,squirrels and poop). As a kid, I did the same thing after sleepovers. I'd be super psyched to return home. I'd open all the cabinets to make sure my favorite snacks and toys were still there; I'd lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling I'd seen so many times before and take a deep sigh of relief. But, after the five minutes that took, I'd realize my house was completely boring and that I wanted to go back to my friends. One summer I even made my parents pick me up at sleepaway camp, only to ask them to bring me back the next day.

So, Scout's inclination was natural. I guess I just need to accept that I'm officially a boring adult whose interests have changed from the poop and squirrels of my younger years.