A Message From Bobama

Bo's Official White House Picture

Portuguese Water Dog, and presidential First Dog, Bobama, recently submitted an article to The New York Times reflecting on his first 100 days in office.

A clever idea, but not a clever execution. Despite a break to chase a ball, Bo assumes a relatively serious tone. Firstly, Bo is a puppy; I highly doubt his syntax would be that advanced and that he would talk about, let alone recognize, his inferiority in comparison to other White House hounds. Secondly, Bo is a ridiculous animal - fluffy, scruffy, hair over eyes, jumpy, playful, silly. Maybe a more austere dog, perhaps a Schnauzer or an Airedale, would make this speech, but certainly not a dog that trips the President and bites interviewer's microphones.

Bo is a fun dude; I see him closer to keg-standing frat boy than suit-wearing Wharton grad. It's sort of a Prince Harry vs. Prince William thing. Or a Bush twin vs. Chelsea thing. Or a creative writer vs. a journalist thing - which is why they should have had someone a tad more imaginative and less newsy write this piece... like, maybe, me for example. If you know someone at the Times, let them know I am available... very available.

Birth Control for Bingo?

From Osocio

I recently saw an article regarding oral contraception for animals. Yes, Texas A&M wants to put some poochies on the pill. Well, not exactly but the implications of their research will likely lead to birth control pills for domestic animals.

The researchers' initial intentions were to make a pill that would control pesty populations of wild pigs and coyotes that often disturb or cause financial ruin for land owners. But, here's the twist, in order for the pill to work, the animals would have to take it at specific times each day and point in the menstrual cycle - like humans. How in the hell is this going to work with wild animals? Sure, you can grind the pill into the feed, but what's to say the wild pig or coyote will eat the feed in the first place? And what are the chances they will eat it in the correct time range? I'm guessing these questions have come up and they have some answers? If not, this seems like an excuse to get funding so they can eventually market the pill to domestic pet owners.

But it seems to me that using the pill on domestic animals has little positives anyway. I mean, you save money initially by not having to get the animal spayed, but long-term I'd guess you lose out. Plus, as mentioned in the article, Dogs have particularly complicated cycles, making timing even more important. Most women I know can't remember to take their own pill every day at a given time; I doubt they'd be dillegent with their shiba inu.

If this is an attempt to appeal to pet owners who, for cultural or religious reasons, do not support pet sterilization, I doubt those same owners would condone birth control, probably another way in their eyes of "playing God."

Most importantly, if you give your doggie the pill as oppossed to spaying, the dog will still get her period. I don't know about you, but I have no desire to clean up blotches of menstruated blood all over my apartment. Think about bringing a guy or gal home to that. Unless it is from a sweet lip nibble, blood in the apartment is generally frowned upon.

On a semi-related side note: I saw a kid throwing a tantrum at Kinkos this morning and it made me want to get spayed.

Please Forgive Me

Image from Great Funny Pictures

Several (meaning one) of you loyal readers have emailed me asking why my posting has recently halted. I apologize for any psychological damage this caused and hope the wounds of despair heal well (I suggest a plastic surgeon for wounds requiring stitches - I used a regular doctor for a mole on my back and I have a large scar, much like the scar on Scar from The Lion King). My thesis on "Machiavellian Dwarfs with Sciatica on Every Third Tuesday in April" is due to my advisor this week and the department next week. I promise to resume my regular posting schedule after that date. If you sincerely cannot survive, I recommend martyrdom - it's badass.

Fiefel Goes Downtown towards Colontown

Image from Windows to the Universe

Last week Scout ate a dead mouse; she swallowed it in one big gulp. Found on the side of the street during a walk, she picked up the flattened carcus. Unwilling to reach into her mouth and pull the mouse out, I pryed her jaw open, turned her upside down and hoped it would just fall out. It did not.

At first I figured, oh well, I'm sure she's eaten worse crap that I haven't known about. But then I realized 1) She is a ten pound dog and ate a one pound mouse, 2) The flattened mouse had clearly been there a while and therefore 3) It was probably diseased. I called the vet to confirm this line of thinking and they informed me that yes, the mouse needed to come out of the Scout's belly. Luckily, they said she'd probably do this on her own.

When two hours passed and no mouse puke had ocurred, I called the vet back. They said to give her hydrogen peroxide to make her throw up. When she wouldn't simply drink the poison (figured I'd try)I decided a turkey baster would be the best method. But Scout is a fast little mo-fo and she can fit in places that even I, almost a legal midget, cannot even attempt.

I spent about half an hour chasing her around with the baster and seemed to have more on my shirt than in her mouth. Then, I waited for her to vomit.

She didn't.

They told me to give her more. Repeat baster chase. Repeat no vomit.

Scout was pissed at me and looked miserable from the hydrogen peroxide tummy ache but all my efforts produced no mouse. I brought her in to the vet. After an exam, the vet technician began to tell me my options. About 30 seconds into the speech, Scout finally puked up the mouse... on the technician's foot.

The sight of the mouse foot on the technicians foot, made me want to drink some hydrogen peroxide myself. When she grabbed a paper towel and picked the partially digested body up to eye level, I sincerely wished for momentary blindness. Anyone know a doctor that can Eternal Sunshine this memory away like Tom Wilkinson did for Jim Carey?

World's Ugliest Dog

Image Copyright Grace Chon/Shine Pet Photos

For the first time in seven years, the winner of The World's Ugliest Dog Competition is not a Chinese Crested. You've surely seen pictures of last year's winner, Elwood, a mohawked and bug-eyed Crested with a particularly large wagging tongue.

The 2009 crown went to Pabst, a rescue named for his "bitter beer face." He's a Boxer mix with a particularly large underbite and sweet disposition. He swept all three categories - Mutt, Pedigree(not sure why he could enter this one), World's Ugliest - taking home $1,600 in prize money along with some bling collars, leashes and bowls.

While Pabst got his jiggy on, judge and former Lassie star, Jon Provost signed his just-released memoir,Timmy's in the Well, which I will not link to because I am so sick of D-list celebrities with no writing talent whatsoever publishing and making tons of money off of crap books while us real writers get paid $2 to post an article on a site no one even knows exists.

Will someone please pay me more than $2 to write for them?

A Rescue Mission

Image from Boston.com

I was very drunk Saturday night. Arriving home at 3am, I took Scout for a walk. We turned a corner and there was what looked like a large stray dog, a Shepherd mix I guessed, in the street. Since I recently chased a small stray through the streets of South Central and failed to catch him, I was extra determined to save this dog.

Scout spotted the dog and started barking, causing him to run. I made kissy noises, whistled and talked/slurred sweetly as we chased the abnormally fast dog. Several blocks later, I lost him. I called my friend Natasha and voiced my concern; I asked her to drive over and scan the neighborhood with me to find him. She asked me what the dog looked like. I described it as grayish brown, about 40 pounds with large ears and a bushier than average tail.

I'm not sure if Natasha pointed it out or I came to the realization upon description, but it was evident that I was chasing a Coyote. In my drunken state, I found this hysterical and laughed the entire way back to my apartment.

When I recalled the coyote incident at 7pm the following day, I thought it must have been a dream. I recounted the tale with Natasha present; she told me my "dream" had actually ocurred.

I chased a coyote. I am totally badass.

Absolutely Not Normal

Image from Dog Training Works

Remember the Tiger Woman who fed her dog fruits and vegetables then wondered why the dog pooped so much? Well, there was an interesting incident with her at the park this weekend.

Tiger treats her dog, Bijon, who is in fact a Bijon, like a child - a porcelin child that farts honeysuckle and speaks six romance languages. She brings the severely ADHD Bijon everywhere, toting a diaper bag filled with toys, wipies, sweaters, snacks and anything else the dog may need given several unlikely situations.

Bijon was running a muck when he yelped and began to limp. Anyone who has a dog, would tell you this happens from time to time and is usually nothing to worry about. As soon as little Bijon yelped, Tiger ran over with her doggie med kit but was crying too hard to check if Bijon was injured. She wanted to rush the pup to the emergency vet but the park peeps advised her to let him try to simply walk it off, which Bijon did within ten steps. Tiger slowly began to recover.

About half an hour later, we were seated on the bench chatting when Tiger had a question: "Is it normal for Bijon to ejaculate blood?" Come again? No, actually do not cum again if it is going to be bloody. We gave a definitive "no" and informed her that neutered dogs should not be ejaculating at all, let alone blood. When asked how long this had been going on she replied, "Oh, about 6, maybe 9 months." What??? Why hadn't she taken this dog to the vet? I'm pretty sure I would have been in the office within five minutes of the first blood-filled squirt. What type of person freaks out over a slightly tweaked leg but doesn't take her dog to the vet when he ejaculates blood?

I'm starting to think mandatory sterilization is a good thing. This lady should not be permitted to have children, watch children, be around children...maybe even look at children.

Thud in the Night

Image from The Daily WTF

At 4am this morning, Dave and I were awoken by a thud. Scout had fallen off the bed. She looked very confused for a good ten seconds on the floor. Then she just popped up and wanted back on the bed. She was asleep and dream running in seconds.

Dave laughed himself back to sleep while I contemplated all the injuries she may have sustained in the fall - the apple doesn't fall far from the neurotic Jewish mother tree.

Our Duty is Your Doodie - Literally

Why is Barbie's dog eating the poop?
Image from MentalFloss

As the economy is dying, a new business is booming - pet waste removal. Yes, just as it sounds, these companies come to your home and pick up the poop from your yard. Costing about $100-150/month, poop pioneers can expect to make anywhere from $30,000 as a solo scooper into the multi millions as a chain owner.

This is absurd on many levels. First of all, if you have a gardener, they will do this for no additional charge. Second, it would take you ten minutes, once a week to bend the fuck over and pick the shit up yourself - turn off The Real Housewives of Who Gives a Shit and get off the couch for some excrement exercise. And lastly, defecation duty is part of being a pet owner - would you pay someone to change your kid's diapers? Wait, that's called a nanny.

The pet-waste-removal specialists advertise that they are not a service of convenience but one of environmental and health necessity. What if the poop gets in the drinking water? What if your child comes into contact with puppy parasites? What if we make up bogus reasons for you to justify use of our worthless service?

Note: This post is angry due to alcoholic intake both prior to, and during, writing. Maybe I'm just bitter because high school drop outs are making $20/hour picking up a little feces while I have a Masters degree and am making $0/hour slaving away at my keyboard. Would you click on my damn ads people! Throw me a freakin bone here...but not a rawhide bone...because that makes Scout poop more...and lord knows, I am not turning off Real Housewives of Blow My Face Off to walk the little fucker.

Scout is a Nudnick

Image from Cafepress

For those of you who don't have a Jewish grandmother, a nudnick is an inconsiderate pest. The past few days, Scout has woken me up early via kiss/paw attack. It is impossible to sleep through constant paws to the face and aggressive lip licks; something she never does to Dave but reserves solely for me.

I eventually give in, get up and take her for a walk followed by breakfast. Then, she gets back in bed with Dave and goes back to sleep, cuddling up against him sweetly. Since I am already too awake to go back to bed, I am forced to groggily face the day while the nudnick goes back to her beauty rest.

As this behavoir increases, I think my treat-giving will decrease - I'm hoping, but doubting, she makes the connection.

Seriously? Dog Poop DNA?

Image from Webshots

If you ever take a walk in Los Angeles - something most Angelinos don't do - it's impossible not to notice several "pick up after your dog" signs. In addition to the standard city-issued signs, residents often put handwritten warnings on trees as well. Despite this, excrement inevitably ends up on sidewalks and lawns across the city. And apparently across the world.

This past fall, Petah Tikvah, a suburb of Tel Aviv, took things into their own hands by starting a program that uses DNA technology to match dog poop to dog owner. Those who do not clean up will be fined; those who do and deposit the doodie in specially marked bins will be rewarded with dog food coupons and toys.

OK, not a bad idea, but how in the heck are they going to get the DNA in the first place? As it turns out, they don't really have a plan - they expect people to voluntarily bring their dog to the vet for a DNA swab which the owner can then send to a city lab. That's like asking known criminals to go to the police station and leave some hair, fingerprints and semen. It all seems a bit whimsical. And passing a law that you must give the city your dog's DNA feels too Gattaca and like something that would only happen in China.

Nevertheless, it appears that a small Bavarian town, has indeed decided to make the doggie DNA sample mandatory. The best part: they are going to employ someone to "collect errant canine ordure and match it with the databank – or put out an alert for a stray that must be stopped." Maybe if the Canine Concierge gig doesn't pan out I'll just head to Germany. Geben Sie mir Bratwurst!

New Job Idea - W Hotel Dog Concierge

Image from Zazzle UK

Since my teaching contract at USC has ended, I've been looking for part-time gigs to pay some bills while I finish up my Masters thesis. Searching every generic and industry-specific job search database, I came to the conclusion that my best option was to become a foot fetish model* - they only work a few hours each day and are well compensated, making up to $1,000 per four-hour night. Yes, I realize I would need to shower for another four hours thereafter to make my body, and more importantly, conscience, clean but I find that when you only have $3,000 to your name, money scrubs everything down real nicely.

But today I think I found a new opportunity. I read an interesting article about The W Hotel chain and how they recently became dog friendly. I'd actually call them more than friendly, they give your pooch a special bed with turn-down treats and will even bake them a special-occasion cake, if it happens to be their Bark Mitzvah..

In order to live up to their pampered-pet claims, they have a concierge dedicated to serving your pets every need. Armed with toys, poop bags, and maps of the dog parks and pet stores in the area, the concierge knows as much about dogs as Courtney Love does about drugs - which says a lot. I want to be the Courtney Love of dogs at the W Hotel in Westwood...what can I say, I dream big.

Do you think they'll make me dress up for this canine concierge position? I don't do well in business suits; I turn into a psycho-bitch - it is like when a superhero is made awesome by a costume, but the opposite cause I get very un-awesome. Maybe I can just wear sweatpants and a hat (my usual attire) since I'll be dealing with dogs all day. I am sending an email to The W right now and offering my services (given they approve the bum look). I'll let you know how it goes. In the mean time, I'd better get a pedicure...

*Search Craigslist for "Foot Fetish Model" - there seem to be a lot of people interested in masturbating to (and potentially on) your feet.

Daned if you do, Daned if you don't

I almost JIMPed my pants yesterday. An enormous Great Dane was walking down the street and a woman stopped to say hi. The Dane went straight for the crotch and backed the woman into a bush. Then the Dane pulled his head up and the chick was riding his snout! It was the best moment of my life and I'm pretty sure will remain so for some time to come.

Is this Cute?

Cute Overload has deemed this animal adorable. Even more shocking, people seem to agree. Personally, I find the Pygmy Jerboa absolutely, unquestionably horrifying. It looks like someone tried to cross a chick with a rat and it went terribly wrong, resulting in an animal I previously thought reserved only for Dreamworks. I'm not sure if it is the long, thick tail, body-to-feet ratio, or fact that they can jump 3 feet, but I am going to have nightmares rivaling those of the Freddy Krueger variety.¹

These mutants are apparently rampant in Pakistan - good thing the Muslims have made it clear they do not want me there (think last name) cause if I had ever seen a Jerboa in real life, I would have either suffered life-ending hyperventilation or text messaged Al-Qaeda (I wonder if they are on Verizon?) to come put me out of my misery. If Muslims and Jews ever learn from the fawn and bobcat and someday get along, I'm still not hittin' up Islamabad.

Oh, no - I just read that they are very good burrowers. If those bastards get through the Earth's core² and end up in SoCal, I'm setting so many glue traps...fuck it, I'm covering myself in glue and will be a human Jerboa trap - take that pygmy bitches!

1 - Remember when Johnny Depp got eaten by his bed? The music in this version is AWESOME.

2 - Yes, I realize it is more likely for them to arrive via a rare-species smuggler, I was exaggerating for effect...it's what writers do...get over it. And no, I don't know if I used the right effect/affect and I don't give a crap.

**A slight retraction: I did some YouTubing and it turns out I don't hate all Jerboas. I think these Egyptian guys are pretty awesome.

Pet of the Week - Squirrel

Squirrel is the man - er, the dog. I met him at the park last week; his foster mom brought the little dude for some rompage. Squirrel played like a maniac with his dog pals then just chilled with the humans for some cuddle time. He loves to have his belly rubbed so much that when you say hi to him, he automatically rolls on his back and shuts his eyes in preparation for complete bliss. This picture doesn't quite do him justice - he is absolutely absurdly adorable, with a whimsical personality that charmed everyone at the park.

If you live in SoCal, check out Squirrel and other Much Love Dogs. If not, or in addition, search Petfinder to locate a Squirrel-like pup in your hood.