Glow in the Dark Dogs

These may look like your average Beagles, but these guys are clones that contain a gene that makes them glow in the dark; or more accurately, they glow red in the dark when UV light is shone on them. The South Korean scientists responsible for the act say it was not done for novelty but for medical research. It turns out that this same experiment has been done on both mice and pigs.

I'm undecided about my feelings regarding genetic engineering and animal experimentation, but it seems to me, this was not done for medical benefits. According to Science Daily, while experiments on dogs are good for studying infectious disease, as far as genetics, the pig is a much more viable option. If we already succeeded in implanting the glow in the dark gene in the pig, there seems to be no medical need to do so with a dog.

In addition, this is the same research team (BioArts International) that began cloning dogs for rich Americans a few years back - and that certainly was not for research purposes. Unlike Westerners, Koreans see dogs as a product (mainly food), not a pet, so the claim that this experiment is for science could simply be to fight Western backlash.

To make matters even worse the scientists named all four puppies the same thing: Ruppy, a combination of Ruby and Puppy. This is proof that these people are idiots and should not be given the resources to do any more genetic experiments. Genetic engineering in the wrong hands is terrifying; think Brave New World, Gattaca or recent film adaptations of H.G. Well's The Island of Dr. Moreau.

Pet of the Week - Buddah Bear

Come on, how can you say no to a face like that? Don't be fooled by his size, this big baby is all about love - of people, children and dogs of all sizes. A typical Staffie, Buddah is eager to please and would make a great family pet. Check out Buddah Bear and other available dogs by breed, age and size at Petfinder. Buying a dog is easy; saving one is even easier.

Pumps at the Park

A woman showed up at the park the other day with 4" heels on. Why would you do this? After much thought, I came up with some scenarios:

1. You went home with a guy you don't know or have only recently started seeing. Since it is too early into the relationship to keep clothes at his place you are forced to go home in what you wore the night prior. But you don't go home - you sit in his foodless apartment and pick at your nail bed while trying to make conversation. He suggests taking his dog to the park. You jump at the opportunity to be with him but have something concrete to look at and talk about. You put on the pumps, cringe due to the blisters you acquired slutty dancing to Lady GaGa and head to the park, where you break said pumps by falling when using a Chuck-It Launcher.

2. You are training to be a Chuck-It Launcher model (which does not pay but may lead to other dog toy model jobs).

3. Since you don't want to display your cheesey chick lit, you store that genre in the oven you never use. When climbing on the counter to reach the out-of-reach-on-purpose chocolate cabinet, you accidentally hit the oven on. Shortly thereafter, the kitchen is in flames. You spend so much time getting your completely unique Ikea picture off the wall that the only other item you have time to grab are the pumps. The whole place burns to the ground. Though friends and family have since stepped in to provide food, shelter and alternate shoes, you are attached to the pumps for sentimental reasons and refuse to take them off until you find a new place, at which point they will be bronzed, encased in glass and hung on the wall next to the saved Ikea piece.

4. You are a Craigslist weekend escort.

I am 80% sure #4 was the case(Chuck-It Model also quite plausible)in the pumps at the park mystery. The woman was a 20-something Latino in a revealing skirt and top; The man was a 60-something Caucasian dressed like someone trying to dress like someone who was about to board a yacht. He probably never made it to a yacht that day but I bet he did do some motorboating.

Possibly All Time Fave Dog Video

Would be even better without Harry Connick Jr. singing in the background - he is someone I dislike for no real reason. It could have something to do with his role as Dr. Leo Markus on Will and Grace. Leo bothered me not because he was a cheater with bad-timing but because in the twenty-so episodes before he sinned, he was too good. I get the feeling Connick is a little too good as well--on top of looks and talent, he doesn't drink, he's a dedicated father and he gives not just money, but time, to charity. I was very excited to find out he was arrested in 1992 for gun possession. I need overwhelmingly moralistic people to fail sometimes in order to feel better about myself. Does this make me a bad person?

Oh, right, the video:

Bo Knows Bullshit

If you search the term "Bo" on Google right now you get 431,000,000 results. The first to come up does not go to Bo Concept or Bo Diddley*, but to the Obama's new dog.

Indeed the first dog is major news at the moment. A gift from Edward Kennedy, Bo is a 6-month-old Portuguese Water Dog with tuxedo cat colors that make him well-suited for all White House affairs.

Though Bo is without a doubt very cute, the Obamas originally said they were going to adopt a rescue dog. This got PETA, the ASPCA and shelters throughout the nation very excited as it would be a chance for Obama to set a good example. With over 11,000 dogs and cats euthanized each day (4 million a year) in the U.S., we could use a good example and no one has more influence than the president.

But now, instead of people rushing to shelters, they are rushing to pet stores and breeders to get a Portie for themselves--since Bo-bama was revealed, the breed has been in high demand across the globe. I understand that choosing a dog is a very personal matter involving several factors, including the well-being of children. Though some shelter dogs do have behavioral problems, the first fam could have easily found a mutt in need that met all their requirements by working with a rescue organization.

To top it all off, they got a puppy. Shelters are filled with adult dogs; the puppies go quickly. I know they wanted a young dog, but they could have gotten a 1 or 2 year old, at least setting a good example in that respect.

Everything said, while the papers were filled with Bo-bama news, pirate attacks soared, soldiers were killed and millions of homes faced foreclosure. In the grand scheme of things, I hope Barack did not spend more than 10 minutes thinking about the first dog.

*Some say the dog was named after Michelle's father's favorite singer. Others say the girls' cousin has a cat named Bo, so in very kid-style they named it the same thing. Option 2 sounds more realistic; 1 sounds like something the press secretary made up.

Ferret Fever

People in California are mad. And it's not because of Prop 8 or the LA school system or immigration. It's because of ferrets.

Though legal in 48 states states, it is punishable by law to own the pet in California (and Hawaii) due to potentially harmful ecological effects. However, members of Ferrets Anonymous estimate there are hundreds of thousands of ferrets hidden in homes across the state. Many owners have grown paranoid; they avoid talking to neighbors, keep all the blinds closed and even refuse to leave the house in fear that The Department of Fish and Game will find and seize their fuzzy friends.

Ferret-lovers hoped that when Arnold entered office in 2003 he would repeal the law--not because Arnold is a weasel-lover, but because he held a ferret in Kindergarten Cop. It was a hasty generalization indeed; Arnold rejected their cries for full ferret freedom.

The new leader of the ferret movement calls himself Leatherface after a role he played in the "Jackass" spinoff, "Viva La Bam" (which was even jackass-ier). He runs "Off the Hook TV", an internet show, on which he recently ran a very poorly/oddly-produced Pro-Ferret and Anti-Arnold episode.

I'm not sure why anyone would want a hyperactive elongated rat/racoon-like animal in the first place, but I have no problem someone having one. The ecological reasoning behind the ban seems a bit too apocolyptic to me. I am sure they would alter both native plant and animal life a bit but I don't think they would turn into a malevolent super species and take over the planet--or, if they do, it will be due to genetic engineering, not people losing pets.

That said, I just read something that changed my mind and made me think they should definitely be illegal, but for purely non-ecological reasons. Ferrets, in Latin "little thieves," are by nature curious and furtive; they can get into just about anything--cabinets (even child-proofed), walls, plumbing, etc.--and steal just about everything, ranging from socks to your wedding ring. Ferret owners spends hours each week ferret-proofing their house. But even with an experienced proofer, an accident resulting in ferret death is likely. Drowning, electrocution, getting chopped in half by a fan, being crushed in recliner springs, being stepped on--there are endless horrifying possibilities. Though ferrets are usually caged when owners are not home, they are so stealthy that even when you are watching them they often escape your view--especially when you have many of them, as it seems most ferret freaks do.

So, I think ferrets should be illegal due to the innumerable chances for human psychological damage upon seeing a little buddy squished, severed or foaming at the mouth while seizuring because it ate the dishwasher detergent. In fact, instead of doing another ecological study, as ferret owners have requested, we should do a study of the correlation between past or current ferret ownership and homocidal tendencies. I wonder if Jiverly Wong had ferrets?

Rescued Pet of the Week - Jezzy

From now on, I will post a dog from a rescue organization or shelter each week that is in need of a home. With foreclosures on the rise, many dogs are being left behind. Don't support pet stores that sell dogs from abusive puppy mills--which is where most stores get their pups. No need to go to a fancy breeder; there are tons of great purebreads and mixes out there that will provide just as much love and fun. And don't just consider the puppies--most adults come house and leash-trained!

Jezabel (Jezzy)
There are many similar-looking Labs, Cocker Spaniels and Boxers out there but there is only one Jezzy. With one ear up and the other decidedly down, along with a slightly protruding bottom lip, you couldn't design this dog if you tried. She's just as cute personlity-wise, and excited to meet both canines and humans (especially if they have food; Chihuahua mixes are pigs!)As a bonus, she's a tiny dog that won't make you look like a priss!

Check out the links below in the left column to see more available pooches.

Bark Mitzvah

In continuance of the theme of the last post, I recently found out that Jews--Reformed and Conservative--are throwing Bark Mitzvahs for their dogs when they reach 13 in dogs years (1.8 human years). Ceremonies include a reading of the arf-torah, a reference to the traditional Bas Mitzvah haftarah reading followed by shouts of Muzzle Tov and a party with friends (both human and furry), family and sometimes cantors.

Though people spend a little too much time and money on Dog-friendly cakes, inscripted yarmulkes and fancy pooch-themed decorations, most of the time, people ask in place of a gift to give a donation to either the synagogue or an animal rescue organization. So, as kitchy and potentially inappropriate as this is, it is a form of tzedakah and generally put towards a good cause.

Check out the pics from Kasha's Bark Mitzvah or read about Admiral Rufus K. Boom's special day.

Passover Seder for Dogs

In Chicago some Jews decided that it wasn't fair to leave their four-legged loved ones out of the Passover Seder. So, they created a seder just for dogs, featuring a telling of the story of Exodus, including the typical rituals and featuring Kosher dog food. When Laberdoodle Goober Goldstein found the Aficomen and was rewarded with gefilte fish he exclaimed, "I'm so ver clempt I could plotz!"

At first, I chalked this up to crazy Jews just being crazy Jews. However, when I looked into dogs' involvement in other religions I found out that many churches--mainly in New York, but it is spreading--are now allowing dogs at mass.

In a culture where dogs are not only part of the family but part of the zeitgeist, this makes complete sense. At my local supermarket here in Santa Monica, I've seen dogs sitting in the shopping cart seat generally reserved for children. At a pet store we frequent they offer doggie facials. I have friends that cook Filet Mignon for their dog while they eat microwave dinners.

But is religion crossing the line? I am a Jew culturally more so than religiously--meaning I identify more with the traditions than with the actual belief system. Because of this, dogs at seders is cool with me; my dog is part of my life and part of my life is my culture. But, I'd imagine if it was the other way around I'd find dogs participating in holy rituals or at places of worship completely unacceptable. What do you think?

Food Names for Dogs

I like when dogs are named after food. Here is a list of my faves, listed loosely by food type (Say these with a last name for greatest effect):

1) Mexican: Taquito, Fajita, Burrito, Chimichunga (Chimi for short)

2) Southern: Gumbo, Cornbread, Biscuit (make sure you call their actual biscuits "treats" or they may be confused), Deep-fry

3) Jewish: Challah (pronounced Holla!), Pickle, Knish, Latke, Schmaltz (Schmaltz Schwartz would be sweet)

4) Asian: Dumpling, Drunken Chicken, General Tso, Sparerib, Wonton

5) Caribbean: Yuca, Pepperpot, Jerk (good one for the misbehaving dog)

6) Italian: Calzone, Ravioli, Zuppa di Pesce (If Joe Pesci has a dog and this is not its name, I'm calling the ASPCA)

7) French: Quiche, Bouillabaisse, Truffles, Biscotti (again, call doggie dessert "treats" or you'll have a dog that flips out every time you say its name)

8) English/Scottish/Irish: Mushy Pea, Banger (best for an unaltered male), Hot Toddy, Mutton, Blaa

9) Middle Eastern: Pita, Feta, Ouzo, Gyro

10) Chocolate: Whopper, Goober, Willy Wonka, Whatchamacallit

11) Candy: Twizzler, Chuckles, Chiclet, Abba-Zaba (You may have a chance to use a Half-Baked quote! Watching it the first 30 times you smoked finally paid off--hope your lungs are doing OK)

12) Descriptive food words: Chewy, Chunky, Fizzy

Shit. I just spent an inordinate amount of time making that list instead of doing things on my to-do list. I guess I can "clean closet" and "get in touch with a friend of a friend of a friend of someone who works at NBC and has access to Tina Fey's email address" another day.

Really?

It turns out that while dog painting is all the rave in China, cat painting is quite common elsewhere--or so two nutty New Zealanders claim (not Bret and Jemaine, the only kiwis that matter). Burton Silver and Heather Busch wrote a book titled Why Paint Cats: The Ethics of Feline Aesthetics, which includes several painted cats like the one above.

With some research, I found out that the book is a spoof on both art and cat publications--which makes this way, way awesomer than the painted Panda dog. It creates an entire theory and includes fake interpretive essays about each artist and cat. The pictures were Photoshopped and the writing is completely deadpan. For example, a cat painted like a fish achieves in:

"redefining and blurring the relationship between fur and scale, fin and tail, in order to create a shared intent that transubstantiates the species and repositions the notion of symbiosis."

Since 90% of people are stupid, many took the book seriously. This spurred inflammatory reaction and discussion boards filled with admirers questioning how to get the cat, an innately skittish animal, to stay still while you paint.

Burton and Busch have also published Why Cats Paint, which also confused people and was even more absurd in both concept and commentary.

Those New Zealanders are some silly descendants of criminals*. I wish I had some degenerate blood in me.

*A blog reader has informed me that my reference to New Zealand as an island of criminals is incorrect--Australia is where the miscreants were sent and where their descendants reside. But I bet some Australian criminals kayaked over to New Zealand and thought, They have ratites here! I think I'll stay. The descendants of these ratite-loving kayakers are who I am talking about.

The Welcome Committee

Imagine approaching your door after a long day of work and seeing your five favorite friends there to welcome you home. Now imagine they are holding out El Cholo Gran Tradicional Margaritas for you. And your apartment has as an Austin Powers rotating circle bed and a rock and waterfall pool--filled with naked models massaging your shoulders and serving no-calorie In-N-Out burgers. Now multiply that happiness by twenty. You are still not nearly as excited as these dogs.

Chinese Panda Dog

Some crazy guy in China dyed his Chow Chow to look like a panda. The trend has been catching on and is now popular in Japan as well. Discussion forums are split between those who think the dying is cruel and those who think it is cute. Hubpages.com member Luke Skywalker says "Anybody who complains about this being cruel is a dumbfuck! Congradulations." Um, it appears you are the "dumbfuck" Luke--it's congraTulations. I would dye you to look like a douchebag but you already are one. Darth Vader should have eaten you when you were a baby and your bones were still soft.



While Panda Dog's owner went to a supposedly safe salon that used non-toxic dye, I fear that most copycatters will go the cheap route and use spray paint or shoe polish. I think this is fine as long as you drink some bleach before applying the paint; it's a good way to share the experience.

Bouncing Newfies

My in-laws* just got a trampoline and two slides for their two already-enormous Newfie puppies. I'm not sure what this means but pictures to come!



*Not actually in-laws but hopefully soon to be? If Dave likes it, he better put on ring on it cause half a decade as "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" has made me want nothing more than a new set of titles. If it's not fiance, that's OK, I'm cool with "homeboy" and "homegirl" or "papaganoosh" and "mommus."

Dog Whispering is Not Compatible with Jewish Motherness

Caesar Milan does not like rewarding your dog with affection. He claims a dog would rather have a strong pat on the back than a kiss-filled belly rub. Clearly, he was not raised by a Jewish mother.

Dogs Just Want to Have Fun

When I picked up Scout this weekend from Big Scout's house across the street, she was ecstatic to see me. She jumped into my arms and gave me loads of smelly kisses. She sprinted back to our apartment and ran in like a lunatic. She sniffed all around and checked all the rooms (not a big feat given the size of my apartment). After that she went back to giving me smelly kisses. My popularity soared for about an hour or so.

Shortly after that hour, Scout went out on the balcony, stared across the street and whined. She proceeded to the door and did the same thing. I figured she had a tummy ache and was telling me she was about to poop her non-existent doggy pants. I put her leash on, opened the door and she started pulling. Thinking she really had to go, I ran down the stairs and to the sidewalk along with her. But when we got to the sidewalk she didn't stop to find a patch of grass to go on. She continued pulling and led me (Caesar would not approve of her being the pack leader)across the street. It was clear that she was headed for Big Scout's house. I was no longer entertaining. She wanted her friend back.

At first I was slightly insulted; how could she trade me in for another buddy so readily. But upon much deep pondering, I realized I'm like her mom, not her cool older sister. Of course she'd want to play with someone her age who shares her interests (poop,squirrels and poop). As a kid, I did the same thing after sleepovers. I'd be super psyched to return home. I'd open all the cabinets to make sure my favorite snacks and toys were still there; I'd lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling I'd seen so many times before and take a deep sigh of relief. But, after the five minutes that took, I'd realize my house was completely boring and that I wanted to go back to my friends. One summer I even made my parents pick me up at sleepaway camp, only to ask them to bring me back the next day.

So, Scout's inclination was natural. I guess I just need to accept that I'm officially a boring adult whose interests have changed from the poop and squirrels of my younger years.