Awesome "Best in Show" Clip

I love Christopher Guest and "Best in Show" is my favorite of his movies. This is not because the movie is about dogs, but because it is about people obsessed with their dogs. And while people obsessed with any one thing - Pickleball, JTT, The Weather Channel - are funny, dog obsession makes me feel better about my treatment of my own dog.

Dave thinks I am ridiculous with Scout; namely because I feel absurdly guilty leaving her, I incorporate her into as many of my daily activities as possible and I often roll around on the floor with her pretending to be a dog and exchanging kisses.

This movie proves that though ridiculous, I am not obsessed. Yes, the movie is indeed fiction, but it is completely based on reality and the exaggeration is actually pretty minimal. The following people visit the dog park on a regular basis: a woman who cooks filet mignon and rack of lamb every day for her poop-eating (literally, the dog eats turds) Wheaton Terrier; a man who gives his Beagle aromatherapy facials; an unemployed writer who dresses her Maltipoo in Burberry.

Sleeping with the Enemy

A three day old fawn and a three week old bobcat were rescued during the Santa Barbara fires two weeks ago. Though rescued wild animals, especially of different species, are not usually kept together, workers were forced to place animals anywhere they could. These two ended up in the Santa Barbara County Dispatch Office, where they immediately became buddies and cuddled for several hours under a desk.

One of the many ironies of the situation is that not only would these two be unlikely friends in the wild, they would most likely be enemies. In the winter, when food is scarce, bobcats often eat deer.

There are many instances of interspecies relationships but very few which involve predator and prey. Is it possible that this fawn and cat relationship will be detrimental to these animals when they are returned to the wild? Will the bobcat not recognize fawn as potential prey and starve rather than kill it? Will the fawn not know bobcats are predators and be too easy a target?

This may seem extreme but while humans learn from their parents over several years, animals do so over a much shorter time period, often a max of one year. So, time spent with parents as a baby is far more important in terms of learning essential life skills. Likewise, experiences from childhood bear more weight in terms of influence.

Though animal behavior is interesting, pondering this situation is taking up too much time; I was supposed to leave for a weekend in San Diego an hour ago. So, I am going to try and relate something from my childhood to this situation in order to distract you from the fact that I am tying nothing together here.

When I was about three, my parents bought a plastic blow-up octopus that attached to the sprinkler head. While my brother and I ran around the yard, the octopus would erratically fly/jump all over the place spraying water out its long purple tentacles. This was an endlessly fun way to spend a humid summer day in New York. We loved the octopus and since I attributed human emotion to all of my toys, I believed Octi, as we called him, loved us back for our undying devotion to his epileptic-like mayhem.

Just as the fawn didn't fear the bobcat, I didn't fear Octi...which is why it was a shock when he wrapped a tentacle around my neck and squeezed with all his might until I was as purple as his tentacles. My father ran outside and wrestled the "predator" from me, the "prey." So, that fawn should watch out cause that bobcat biatch will give her a beat down and she won't have my dad, or her deer mother, to save her. Wow, sort of made this semi-work.*

*Not really, but thanks for sticking with me anyway.

Dissing Your Dog

Just found this sketch while messing around on Hulu. I'd seen it before but never really considered it as a serious training option. Food and congratulatory excitement, the former being far preferred, are what I use with Scout. Though I can't say I've ever really trained Scout in the sense that she listens to me. Sure, she can sit, lay down, roll over, give paw, even come sometimes. But if there was say, an enticing butt to smell or squirrel to chase or poop to roll in, she'd ignore me and do whatever the hell she wanted.

The fact that she understands free will on some rudimentary dog-level makes me think she is smart; it also makes me think she is a total a-hole. Perhaps if I applied Mr.Sturtevant's techniques, she would realize her a-holeness and actually listen. It's no crueler than Caesar Milan's "Shhh"/neck jerk technique.

Alas, I won't insult the derelect doggie - mainly because I think it is unfun and anxiety-inducing to employ verbal irony upon a being that can't return it. If Scout refused to come to me and I said "Ok, I guess I'll leave and you can go back to the original family that abandoned you," I would want her to come back with "Go ahead, leave me here and go hang out with the other friends you don't have." Instead, the comeback stays in her little mutt brain, for only her to enjoy, as I sit and contemplate every terrible thing she could be thinking about me.

Our dogs see us at our most vulnerable times: naked, peeing, stuffing our face with cookie dough after we learn our "the one's" most lofty goal is to have tattoo sleeves, etc. Let's hope that evolution doesn't lead to talking dogs; they've got far too much on us.

Again?!

Image from Slate.com

I just got caught by the same neighbor, in the same spot, singing a very similar song, this time about a "tushy monster." It appears I am the one with a poopy brain (see previous post). I bet she thinks I'm schizophrenic. Maybe I should just go with it? Could be fun to see how long before I sufficiently weird this lady out and she moves out.

On a sort of related note, when I met David Sedaris a few weeks ago I pretended to have multiple personality disorder in an attempt to make it into his journal and therefore his future readings. We had to fill out sheets of paper with our name so that he could spell it correctly when signing our book. I wrote "Rufus B. VonKleinsmid: Purveyor of the Dark Arts."

When he asked who Rufus was, I said he was my other personality but couldn't make it that night because he was home sick with swine flu. David said he thought he had swine flu and upon telling me his symptoms I deduced that yes, indeed he did. Then he offered me a piece of fried bread and I went on my way.

Kids, may this be your lesson - this is what happens when you are on drugs*.

*Relatively harmless drugs that are legal in CA

The Next American Idol

When I'm happy, I sing. Since Scout makes me happy, I often sing when with her and often about her. The songs are improvised on the spot, sometimes following popular tunes but often to harmonies I just make up. The whole process is pretty unconscious and most times, if you ask me to repeat a song I sang ten minutes ago, I can't.

Dave seems to enjoy these little diddies. This has encouraged me to sing them even more and even louder. But I hadn't realized I was singing them outside our abode until this morning.

While returning from a walk and approaching my apartment I was singing a song that consisted of the following lyrics: "Poopy brain. Little Scout's got poopy in her little pinhead"* The initial "poopy" was an elongated "pooooooopy." I was looking down at my keys and failed to notice my brand new neighbor walking towards us. I belted "poopy in her little pinhead" quite enthusiastically only to look up and lock eyes with the neighbor, who was now face to face. It was too late to recover; I put my head down and hummed the rest of the melody as I quickly headed up the stairs to my apartment.

*I never said the songs were good

What is Goofy?

So there's this part in Rob Reiner's Stand by Me (always a fave of mine) where they discuss what animal Goofy is. The kids are baffled by the fact that though Goofy is a dog, he wears clothes, drives a car and does other anthropomorphic things, making him more human than dog. I accepted this discussion and never really figured out my take on it.

I've done some thinking and decided this is one of the dumbest conversations ever (even given that I think they were stoned). It is not strange that Goofy is anthropomorphic, tons of characters are: Donald Duck, Micky Mouse, Bugs Bunny, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Yogi, Pooh etc. What is strange is that though there are tons of human-like ducks, bunnies, mice, there are very few dogs.

Pluto, Odie, Astro, Scooby Doo, even Snoopy, who can type - all more dog than human.

I did some serious brain work and had a hard time coming up with anthropomorphic cartoon dogs other than Goofy. Here's what I got*:

Auggie Doggy and Daddy Doggie - a father and son team that look like dogs but carry on life as if completely human. It is clear that they understand morals and emotion.

Underdog - a Superman spoof who speaks in rhyme, something more advanced than mere talking, which if alone, does not make an animal completely anthropomorphic.

Brian Griffin - taking language a step further, Brian employs sarcasm, something only those with high functioning brains that understand irony can do. He is also a drunk atheist who graduated from Brown and held many jobs.


Dogbert - complete megalomaniac with the ultimate goal of conquering the world and enslaving humans. He also gives advice and dabbles in business consulting.

Can you think of any others? Speech alone is not enough; they must actually act like a human.

*I didn't cheat and search Google - this is what I got from my head, something it seems people rely on very little these days.

Can't We All Just Get Along

I spend far too much time on Cute Overload, where I came across a squirrel that hangs out with a litter of puppies. I'm moderately obsessed with inter-species love.





Why can't Jews and Arabs just cuddle up together? Their roughly century long hatred is nothing compared to the 15,000 year battle between dogs and squirrels.

Antics or Altruism?

The current season of American Idol featured the show's first blind* contestant, a Scottsdale native named Scott MacIntyre. Other contestants and at times, a cane, were used to guide the singer to and around the stage.

Voted off a few weeks back, Scott was recently given a surprise from judge Paula Abdul - a seeing eye dog. This seemed odd to me given that Scott apparently never expressed that he even liked dogs, let alone wanted one. I figured this was another silly antic from the consistently-spaced-out Abdul.

However, upon looking into the issue, I found out that Paula may be smarter and have better intentions than the public generally affords her. She is pairing up with pet stores and companies to promote National Guide Dog Month, with the goal of increasing awareness and raising funds for guide dog organizations across the country.

It turns out that training a dog takes about two years and costs around $40,000. Though dogs are offered for free, lists are long and wait times are often measured in years. And simply avoiding the list and purchasing a dog costs upwards of $20,000; making this an option only for the financially sound.

So, Paula may have offered the dog with the intentions of making headlines to raise awareness more so than giving Scott something he desired. Even if Scott doesn't want the dog, which will be officially given to him after the Idol tour, the act served a greater purpose and did indeed turn heads and hopefully open wallets.

Straight Up, Paula will be Forever My Girl cause she's Crazy Cool and regardless of intent, is working towards the Promise of a New Day in our Cold Hearted world where most people are just Blowing Kisses in the Wind.**

To donate or volunteer, check out Guide Dogs of America or find an organization in your area.

*Scott is technically "visually impaired" but in my book a 2% field of vision = blind.

**I'm totally awesome and simultaneously not awesome.

The Scouts Sensed the Quake!

I've lived in California for two years and last week experienced my first big(ish)Earthquake. Centered in Westlake Village, the 4.4 quake caused my Santa Monica dingbat to shake and sway. Being as there was not much damage nor injury associated with the incident, I feel OK saying that I enjoyed the quake - it made me feel like a real Californian.

The ten seconds (or however long it lasted) of shaking was not even the most interesting part. A few seconds prior to the quake, my dog and the dog I was watching for the weekend seemed to sense it coming. Involved in an intense stuffed animal tug-of-war, the two pups simultaneously dropped the toy as their ears perked up and they stood at attention. One second later the shaking started.

Animals sensing earthquakes is not new - the first written account dates to 373 B.C., when nearly all wild animals left ancient Helike before a quake annihilated the Greek city. Some posit that animals feel the earth vibrate before humans; others think they can detect electrical charges and or gas released from the earth.

While American seismologists downplay animal prediction, Asian authorities regularly rely on it - partially based on animal behavior, Chinese officials evacuated Haicheng in 1975 a few days before a 7.3-magnitude trembler would have injured or killed an estimated 150,000 plus people.

Non-believers claim that people recall the weird animal behavior only after the catastrophe has occurred and that if nothing had happened the people wouldn't have remembered the antics at all. I can honestly tell you that I consciously noted that the dogs were acting strange seconds before the tremor occurred. Plus, similar accounts of animal predictions are seen throughout the world and throughout history - how could everyone have the same stories and/or suffer the same memory problem?

Dog behavior has been associated not just with earthquakes, but with other natural disasters such as storms, fires and avalanches as well as human disasters, such as diabetic seizures, heart attacks and even cancer. Not only do dogs have advanced senses, they are uncanny judges of body language and can actually read mood and emotion. This is far more than human or machine will ever be able to achieve. Maybe instead of spending millions on technological prediction for natural disasters we should just listen to nature.

If you are not convinced, watch this:

Plastic Surgery for Dogs

In the lastest "idiotic things rich people do" news, those with cash to spare are spending it on plastic surgery for their dogs. While some surgery, such as rhinoplasty to help pugs breathe is actually warranted, there have been many cases in which dogs have been altered simply to improve their appearance.

Brazil, the plastic surgery capitol of the world, where people visit specifically for cosmetic procedures, is at the forefront of canine makeovers. The most popular surgeries are straightening bent ears, making protruding ears droop, tightening the mammillae (breasts) and enhancing facial symmetry. Basically, anything that has been done on humans is carrying over to the canine world.

Edgado Brito, a leader of the pet enhancement movement, claims that if a dog is more attractive its relationship with its owner will be better. What a crock of shit! The beauty of dogs is that they love us unconditionally regardless of our shortcomings. Don't we owe them the same? The recent story of Susan Boyle on Britain's Got Talent is proof of our inability to not judge people "by their cover." But can we at least retain our ability to judge animals by their character, rather than their attractiveness? In my opinion, some of the best looking dogs are the least conventional. Though I'm pretty sure I am in the minority here, who couldn't love a rascal like this: