Ferret Fever

People in California are mad. And it's not because of Prop 8 or the LA school system or immigration. It's because of ferrets.

Though legal in 48 states states, it is punishable by law to own the pet in California (and Hawaii) due to potentially harmful ecological effects. However, members of Ferrets Anonymous estimate there are hundreds of thousands of ferrets hidden in homes across the state. Many owners have grown paranoid; they avoid talking to neighbors, keep all the blinds closed and even refuse to leave the house in fear that The Department of Fish and Game will find and seize their fuzzy friends.

Ferret-lovers hoped that when Arnold entered office in 2003 he would repeal the law--not because Arnold is a weasel-lover, but because he held a ferret in Kindergarten Cop. It was a hasty generalization indeed; Arnold rejected their cries for full ferret freedom.

The new leader of the ferret movement calls himself Leatherface after a role he played in the "Jackass" spinoff, "Viva La Bam" (which was even jackass-ier). He runs "Off the Hook TV", an internet show, on which he recently ran a very poorly/oddly-produced Pro-Ferret and Anti-Arnold episode.

I'm not sure why anyone would want a hyperactive elongated rat/racoon-like animal in the first place, but I have no problem someone having one. The ecological reasoning behind the ban seems a bit too apocolyptic to me. I am sure they would alter both native plant and animal life a bit but I don't think they would turn into a malevolent super species and take over the planet--or, if they do, it will be due to genetic engineering, not people losing pets.

That said, I just read something that changed my mind and made me think they should definitely be illegal, but for purely non-ecological reasons. Ferrets, in Latin "little thieves," are by nature curious and furtive; they can get into just about anything--cabinets (even child-proofed), walls, plumbing, etc.--and steal just about everything, ranging from socks to your wedding ring. Ferret owners spends hours each week ferret-proofing their house. But even with an experienced proofer, an accident resulting in ferret death is likely. Drowning, electrocution, getting chopped in half by a fan, being crushed in recliner springs, being stepped on--there are endless horrifying possibilities. Though ferrets are usually caged when owners are not home, they are so stealthy that even when you are watching them they often escape your view--especially when you have many of them, as it seems most ferret freaks do.

So, I think ferrets should be illegal due to the innumerable chances for human psychological damage upon seeing a little buddy squished, severed or foaming at the mouth while seizuring because it ate the dishwasher detergent. In fact, instead of doing another ecological study, as ferret owners have requested, we should do a study of the correlation between past or current ferret ownership and homocidal tendencies. I wonder if Jiverly Wong had ferrets?