Regulation Contemplation

The main dog park regulations are as follows:

1. Watch your dog at all times
2. Pick up after your dog with the shovels provided
3. Do not bring food into the park
4. Remove your dog from the park if it is harassing another dog or playing too aggressively
5. Remove your dog from another dog’s back if it is humping
6. Do not bring unaltered dogs into the park (Refer to #5 for explanation)
7. Do not use the park to solicit your own business
8. Be angered by Puppy Mills (This is really just essential to making park friends, but you should be angered by Puppy Mills anyway)
9. Do not use the park to solicit your own business, which happens to be a Puppy Mill (This happened)

Here are some rules I think should be added:

1. If you are over the age of 65 and sitting on a bench with someone under the age of 45 (26 to be exact), “lube” is not an appropriate topic
2. If your dog is playing with my dog, that does not mean we need to talk. Our dogs liking one another in no way correlates to us liking one another (actually it sadly does because we are all dog-loving losers with nothing else going on in our lives to talk about otherwise)
3. If you let your dog unabashedly hump my dog, my dog is allowed to bite (Ok, growl, Scout would never bite) your dog
4. Do not bring any sort of special bone or toy into the park if your pooch is not ok (or you, because it is usually the owner that gets upset) with it getting taken away and either torn apart or buried, because it inevitably will
5. If you leave your dog in the little side of the dog park (most parks have a section for big guys and one for little guys) and go elsewhere and it humps or attempts to bite my dog, I will simply drop it over the fence into the big dog area, where it will either be trampled or eaten
6. Please don’t name your dog Bijon if it is a Bijon – that’s like naming your kid Kyd (as David Duchovny did)
7. While it is ok to come to the park after 1 or 2 drinks, it is not appropriate to come after 16 (There used to be a woman who routinely fell off the bench and slurred more than me on the night pictured below)